“Don't let the expectations and opinions of other people affect your decisions. It's your life, not theirs. Do what matters most to you; do what makes you feel alive and happy. Don't let the expectations and ideas of others limit who you are. If you let others tell you who you are, you are living their reality — not yours. There is more to life than pleasing people. There is much more to life than following others' prescribed path. There is so much more to life than what you experience right now. You need to decide who you are for yourself. Become a whole being. Adventure.” ― Roy T. Bennett

 Wow. This quote took my breath away when I first read it. I have been on a journey lately and needed time to process a lot of things.

I have been reflecting recently on how I have done a lot of things for other people. The list is too long to write down here but a GOOD chunk of my life has been based on what I was expected to do. I talked in therapy back in April that I felt completely lost now that I was done having kids. Growing up my in faith, there were several steps and the "last" was having kids. I did all of it. I went to BYU, served a mission, got a master's degree, got married in the temple and had my two kids. And I have felt so weird since I realized I am done having kids. I know what you're thinking: You have a great life and good experiences and now a good job. That's all true! But I cannot help feeling a lot of grief recently and a little lost. It may seem silly but I have felt grief about all of the following recently: 

• Having two HG pregnancies. I don't even know how to explain this in written form. It was the most challenging part of my life except my mission. I wanted to have kids and still feel guilt about the 24 hours during my second pregnancy where I begged God to let me have a miscarriage so I didn't have to deal with the pain anymore. For someone who grew up in an extremely conservative family and religion, I cannot begin to explain the pain I felt when I had this thought.
• Staying in a church that actively hurts a lot of people I care about because I care about people's opinions of me. At the end of the day, I really only care about my opinion of myself. 
• Working at a job where I got physically harmed and cried all the time because I wanted to prove I could be a working mom.
• So many people at my prior job and others not knowing my true self. I was known as the crying girl for a myriad of reasons and I cannot stop perseverating on it because I haven't cried at once at work this year so far.
• Not having the money or time to get a PhD right now despite really really wanting to do it. Dr. Davis has a great ring to it. 
• Not being able to trust my own intuition anymore because I outsourced it to other people. It feels jarring to realize that sometimes I need to trust myself. I cannot tell you how many times I wish I had spoken up in the moment but did not because I wanted people to like me.

I am at the point in my life where I do not care about appearances. (and I am not talking about physical appearances, but yes, that too!) I care about how something feels or actually is. I do not want things in my life that have the appearance of looking good. I want the things and people in my life to BE good. I was thinking about the various circumstances and places I have been in over the course of my life that presented themselves as good to the outside world but really were not. All these thoughts were triggered because at work, I made a very nice attendance meeting template. I was proud and was like yes, it looks great and I am killing it. My principal told me "Kelsey, this LOOKS great but I care more that is FUNCTIONS great." In that moment, something clicked. I was doing pretty much everything in my life to look good. This probably stemmed from both growing up in my religion AND 'hiding' the problems in my family publicly. I have learned a lot about therapy and familial roles and my role in the family was to be perfect so that no one would see the dysfunction. If I was excelling, there was NO way something was going wrong, right? I am finding a lot of compassion for myself and realizing why I worked in the jobs I have for so long. I like things that looked good. I like things that are organized and everything has a clear answer. I was getting really upset with myself a few months ago for staying too long in my prior job despite knowing it wasn't a good fit for me. But thinking about this now, it makes me realize I was just doing the best I could to not drown. I was in my 'comfort' zone so to speak. There was high control and rules, just like BYU and my mission and that felt safe. I wish I could go back in time a few years ago and tell my younger self, it's okay to work in a more chaotic environment. It's okay to quit things right when you want to do so. It's okay that you like being a big fish in a little pond. Own it girl! I am finding a LOT of self compassion. When I graduated my master's program, I used to tell everyone I wanted to be Secretary of State (fun fact: When I call my mom, it still pops up as Madam Secretary) Though I would no longer want that job thanks to the dumpster fire that is America right now, I have realized I still like being a big fish in a little pond. I like to be the shining star still. I wish that it wasn't a part of my personality, especially when I am trying to care less about what people think but also, it's a part of who I am. I scheme and dream big. Always have, and probably always will. Reflecting on all this, I have been thinking about what my future looks like. After a lot of reflection,  my goal for now is this: do good things for the benefit of others in a way that I want to do them.

Moving forward, I want to do things that feel authentically feel good. I want to do good things that no one knows about just to help others. I don't want to do something because I feel obligated. I have been thinking a lot about who I believe God is and who God is not. Since I am working on positive framing in a world focused on rage, here's my list of who I believe God is:

• Is the one who loves and cares for every human being regardless of who they are
• Weeps and mourns with those that are suffering regardless if they're American... (yikes to this country right now y'all)
• Cares that use our talents and money for good
• To clarify, I never feel the presence God more when I am helping a student at work or helping a co worker or donating to a random GoFund me. I don't think God cares about the checklist of things that I have been taught. I don't think he cares about me paying 10% of my money as much as he cares that I sacrifice for people with my time, talents or money. He cares that I AM a good person not that I look like I am publicly. 
• Understands our limitations, traumas and how we are walking through life. When I think of God, I think of the ultimate compassion. I think my faith severely limits God into a box of being compassionate until XYZ.  I don't believe God is like that. I believe he is all loving and compassionate ALWAYS.

That being said, I have felt God in a more authentic way recently when I removed the checklist. It's so easy to be like "okay, I have attended the temple X amount of times and I paid my tithing and I have gone to church every week." That's simple and elementary faith in my opinion. I have excelled at the checklist because I love a good checklist. (who doesn't love a good list??!) But now, I am trying to increase my faith into a more complex thing where the checklist doesn't matter but my actions do. What am I doing in private to love and serve others? How am I treating my family? How can I be an answer to someone's prayer? How am I getting the results I need at work? How am I advocating for my direct reports and the students I work with? What is the behind the scenes help I am offering others that doesn't get publicly lauded? 

I have been doing a lot of reflection on who I actually am. The last four years, I have not felt like my true self. Between HG, my job, questioning my faith and my other health problems, I have not shown up how I am. This was never more apparent to me when I left my last job and thinking about how in my family, I am the one that never cries or is emotional and prides herself on making logical choices but if you were to ask my co workers, they would say that was the absolute OPPOSITE way I showed up the last four years. Obviously postpartum is a time to rediscover yourself. Last time, I felt amped by going to barre and attempting to be a boss working mom. This time, I am caring less about the appearance of how I am being perceived and just focusing on how I feel about myself. I am slowing down. I am focusing on what FEELS good to me, not what looks good or what I SHOULD be doing. I am doing what I want to do. I think this feels jarring to a lot of people, but especially women, because they've been trained to always think about others. I have always done what I want (imagine raising me lol) until around 5 years ago. I am unsure why but COVID and getting diagnosed with Hashimoto's really took out my personality. Anyway, I am working back on going back to my true self without all the baloney I have told myself I need to do or say.  (Also, thank goodness for Prozac. I took it for about 4 months and it completely rewired my brain. I wish I had taken it sooner instead of 'toughing it out.' Take the dang SSRI if you need it. It's life changing). 

One final anecdote on where I am with my faith. My grandparents have LOTS of books and when I lived with them in 2016 after my mission, I read a book called Divine Signatures. It's essentially a book about how sometimes we experience something so personal that it's almost as if it's signed off by God. I have way too many of these experiences, some of which are too personal to share here, but one just recently happened. Taylor and I had gone to Trader Joe's last Saturday. We are really trying to save money at every end we can since we are buying a house and I am also trying to cut down on gluten because I can tell my body is intolerant again. Anyway, I picked up these pumpkin chocolate mousse cakes and then sat them down because I didn't wan to spend the money. My ministering teacher texted me a few hours later saying she wanted to drop something off. Turns out, it was the exact pumpkin mousse cakes! Trader Joe's isn't necessarily close to our house and out of all the stores and treats she could have brought me, it was those. Now, I have to believe that was a Divine Signature. She obviously had no idea, but it was a great reminder to be to always be wiling to serve and provide the pumpkin chocolate mousse cakes as needed.

For now, I am happy I get to be Kelsey Davis Hunt, working at a job I like, being a mom, saying no to WAY more things and focusing on BEING a good person. This might outwardly look like I am doing less, but honestly, I feel like I am doing more. Onwards and upwards. 

"Authenticity is more than speaking; authenticity is also about doing. Every decision we make says something about who we are."-Simon Sinek

 Hi all! It has literally been FIVE YEARS since I wrote a blog post. Wowza. In those five years, a lot has happened so let me just play a quick catch up:

• Taylor and I moved to Arizona right after we got married in September 2019. We lived in Arizona until April 2021 and then moved back to Colorado! We still love each other a lot! :) 
• I started working at KIPP Northeast Elementary in 2021 in restorative practices and have been the Dean of Culture the last two years. It's been a journey but I am actually moving into a district school into admin. More on that later. 
• We had two babies! What? I know. Five year ago Kelsey doesn't believe this sentence. Greyson is about four months and Ava turns three in May.
• I got diagnosed with OCD and Hashimoto's as well as SEVERE allergies to grass. My life makes so much more sense and freeing since these diagnoses. 
• Taylor is an associate at Felten Group where he has been the last four years.
• I finally got to go to England two years ago and it was the best. Looking forward to returning.

You may be wondering, why is Kelsey blogging again? Well, writing is therapeutic for me and I am having a "dark night of the soul moment," so I figured I would write down and process. What is a "dark night of the soul?" Essentially it's kind of a depression and confusion triggered by something that is a deep awakening of who you are and what changes you want. Two things happened that triggered this:

The first is my birth experience with Greyson. I was feeling on top of the world and prepared for his birth because giving birth to Ava was so empowering. I had never felt more amazing and strong and capable. This time, however, my epidural stopped working during transitional labor. I kept on telling them it was getting bad but no one was doing anything about it. I was zero percent prepared to give birth without an epidural and there was a point I genuinely thought I was going to die. I cry to this day thinking about how helpful my mother in law was in in that moment because I was like this:

(100 points to those that get this Grey's reference. Humor helps me process but moving on...)

Y'all choosing unmedicated births is impressive because I swear to you, if I ever had another kid, I would be getting a c-section. Eventually my body just started pushing and he wasn't coming out so while I was on pitocin and no epidural, I had a failed vacuum, then an episiotomy and forceps birth while they were preparing to potentially open me up there. (It was very painful) It was truly the most wild thing that has ever happened to me. I processed it during therapy and my therapist said, "Was the worst part just how out of control you felt?" And I burst into tears and said, "yes but also that I didn't advocate for myself. I just tried to tough it out and not say anything and I don't want to be like that anymore." I realized there that I would be so sad for Ava in the future if she was ever in a similar situation and thought she couldn't advocate for herself. The thought alone was devastating and I realized I didn't want to be quiet when I was in pain, physical or emotional, anymore. 

The second was reading The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins. Listen, I know she for sure took an idea and plagiarized it but it doesn't mean it didn't change my life. Essentially the premise of the book is to just let people be since you can't control them and then the other half is "let me" which focuses on what you can do and empowers yourself. I loved all these quotes: 

Excuse me, but what? I wasn't responsible for everything? I am an oldest child so this felt wrong lol Reading this and having my birth experience I did with Greyson pushed me into deep reflection. I recently started doing a workout program with Katrina Scott on her KSL studio app and she has some amazing meditations on there as well. I did one on my future self and the prompt at the end was, "The version of yourself in five years walks up to you, what is she saying thank you for?" And my first thought was, "she would say thank you that I prioritized my own needs and stopped being a people pleaser." No more people pleasing and instead, being authentic to who I am and not how I want people to perceive me. 

And from that, a lot of things have changed. My top values of integrity and authenticity have not changed. The best compliment I have ever received in my life was from my friend Lindsey who once told me, "The best thing about you is you are the same Kelsey no matter who you are with."  But I did realize that my actions and decisions sometimes did not align to my true self because I was doing them for others. I have been working on figuring out exactly what I want without any outside factors and it's been hard. So here are some things that I want written down so I can remember them when I eventually get sucked into people pleasing again. (In this case, DON'T LET ME lol)

• Taylor is my number one person on this planet. I used to hesitate when I was first dating him or engaged or even married the first years talking about how good he is for me because I didn't want to have my love for him immortalized in case "something went wrong." The idea of having everyone know how much I love him and then us getting divorced later used to be a constant thought in my head. I have talked to people who are children of divorce and find that it's a common thing. There is a sort of hesitancy to admit that your relationship is healthy and you are constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop. Any time we had a slight disagreement, the voice in my head would start screaming, "this is it! He hates you. We knew this was going to happen!" I told Taylor that when we passed 25 years of marriage that we would be having an epic vacation to celebrate! Now that I have been in therapy and have been married for over five years, I have the vulnerability to write it down and not care that a. people might think it's mushy and b. that he is the absolute best choice I have ever made. I won't write down all the ways he is perfect for me, but just know that while he isn't a perfect person, he is the perfect person for me. When I think of all the choices I have made, giving my kids Taylor as a father and letting them see our healthy relationship is the greatest choice I have ever made. I no longer have a deep fear of getting divorced. I am giving myself and my kids the best gift by being in a relationship with him and I am so grateful I get to do life with him forever. He's my boo!

• I love being a mom and it it my highest priority. I want my kids to grow up emotionally resilient and to know how to trust themselves. I don't want them depending on any outer source except for their own deep knowing of who they are. I love learning their personalities and can't wait to see more of what Greyson is like. Ava is a firecracker and I know I will never have to worry about her being a people pleaser because she is already a great advocate for herself. Being a mom is such a joy that I truly did not think I would ever want or have. It's hard obviously, but sometimes when I go to sleep, I cry thinking about how much I love them both. Typing this is making me cry. Feelings, man. Letting myself feel them is so freeing!

• I love working with kids. This is still so true. It's hard to leave my babies at daycare sometimes (especially now when it's basically my entire salary) but I truly believe that I was meant to help kids get access to what they need with their emotions and conflict resolution skills. Later on I will discuss more on this, but I have started wanting to be in less controlled environments. KIPP has been nice for my brain because it's so scripted and structured and there's a document and way to do everything. But since I have been on leave, I found myself wanting to be in a work environment where there was more trust and more freedom to be me and for kids to just be kids at times. I applied to several schools for the same position in Aurora Public Schools and just accepted a job at Elkhart Elementary as their Climate and Culture Coordinator. They are an IB school and it is going to be nice to be in a more freer thinking and learning environment along with working with peers who are licensed and have the right background to be in their position. I am very much looking forward to starting there in July! (Also, I am getting 35 days of PTO and sick time, work less hours with kids and have more breaks than with KIPP in addition to making over $30,000 more. It just proves that when you leave what is no longer serving you, you can find a way better situation than had you chosen to be stuck somewhere you no longer felt aligned with.) I also now will get a full month off for summer and won't have to go back to work after our trip that I booked to Crested Butte. It's a win-win! A very big thank you to my mother in law and mom for watching Greyson multiple times while I was interviewing for several schools! It was a communal effort!

• I enjoy resting. Maternity leave was so peaceful this time because I learned to rest. My brain and anxiety is always making me feel like I need to do more but this time, it was cold and Ava was at daycare and I just let it be. Snugging my baby and not worrying about laundry immediately or cleaning my toilet was the most freeing thing. When I had days I was sick, it was so nice just to be home and not worrying about missing work. I now listen to my body when it needs rest and prioritize it however I can. I have also super been into meditation recently and have started meditating while I take Lola out in the morning to center myself for the day. I have had a headache for three days now and decided to stay home from work to rest and guess what? My headache is gone. Taking care of my body and prioritizing rest is a huge goal of mine this year. 

• Being in control is settling to me. I know this a trauma response and part of my OCD, but since I have worked actively on managing OCD, I find myself wanting to be in freer environments. I have been actively doing things with less control in them like dance parties and not freaking out if Greyson's bottles have been washed a certain way. I literally had no idea how much controlling I was doing in my life. I have stupid little rules for everything that if I don't do it, I feel unsettled. A silly example (so I don't freak you out with my intrusive thoughts!) was that I have to brush my teeth by 7 pm or I won't be able to fall asleep. This isn't true but it felt so so so true to me that it became a compulsion. To quote my therapist again, "when you surrender control, you allow infinite possibilities." I realized that I was blocking lots of possibilities by being in control of literally everything all the time. Lots of good things are coming my way by surrendering control. It's nice to think about all the happy unexpected things that will still happen in all of my life. When I blogged last time five years ago, I was making almost no money, living somewhere I hated and was feeling depressed. Now, I have a job making six figures, have two wonderful babies and get to live in Colorado! You never know what will happen and while even typing that increased my heart rate, it IS happy to think about all the joy coming my way in the future. 

The final thing I want to talk about is my religion and spirituality. Since having kids, I have thought a lot about how I want to raise my babies. I have thought a lot about the good and bad of my organized religion and how it has impacted my life, like many things, both negatively and positively. My church presents itself as pretty black and white. You are either active or not. But I don't believe in a God that is like that.

 I believe in the grey. I work a lot with students in my school to create individual plans that are super specific to the exact thing they need. I am talking down to "this kid needs a water break at noon every day or they will get escalated" kind of detailed. And during this maternity leave while I have been reflecting on what I want to do about church and religion, I came to a realization: I could have my own spiritual accommodations. My mission had a reunion on Sunday and they broadcast it so I could see it over zoom. As I reflected on my mission (which I sometimes still think it's wild that I actually did that), I was thinking again about how President Corbitt just sees what I like to call my 3D self. He seemed to know where I had been, who I was currently and could envision who I would become. That confidence and loved has helped me so much in my life. And he reminds me of how I view my Heavenly Parents. 

I believe They are loving and not as focused on rule following. Since being diagnosed with OCD, I have learned a lot about religion and OCD and how closely linked they are. Following rules create psychological safety for me so it makes sense why I have clung to following rules or commandments that I don't necessarily agree with. While I am not leaving the church, I have decided to be true to myself and find what works for me. I know what works for ME to increase my relationship with my Heavenly Parents and I trust that it works. For example, I do not and really never have felt peace or answers while reading the scriptures. I have read the Book of Mormon probably more times than most people because I can read very quickly. (I am only 32 and I know for sure have read it more than 30 times. I read it in is entirety over 15 times on my mission) There are some good verses in there that I have tucked away, but I don't ever have overwhelming experiences reading it. However, I will CRY EVERY TIME hearing someone's spiritual experiences or stories. I believe in personal stories and used to love my subscription to the Work and Wonder little books they released four times a year with personal submissions. (They no longer do that which is devastating tbh) So while I do understand that reading scriptures is a great experience for others, it is not a huge priority to me. I don't panic if I don't read my scriptures. My priority is accessing spirituality that feels good to me and enhances my peace.

 Another way that I feel the most close to the spirit is when I serve others. I never feel more at peace than helping someone who needs it. I pride myself on noticing and helping others who are struggling and trying to help them however I can and that is how I best feel connected to my spirituality. My favorite talk of all time is the one by Uchtdorf where he talks about how we are Christ's hands. That is my gospel. I believe in a God that wants everyone to succeed and not necessarily follow a checklist to be a good person. He just wants us to BE a good person and look outside of ourselves to do so. I don't think I will make it to the next life and be asked a bunch of questions of what I did like "Did you read your scriptures every day?" or "How many hours did you spend in church?" Instead, I believe I will be asked, "How well did you love others?" and "How well did you serve others?" I want to be able to answer that knowing I did the best I could. In short, I believe in spiritual accommodations that allows an individual (because we were all created to be different in case you forgot) to access their peace and feel the spirit in their own way. While I won't dive into my whole personal spiritual plan, I hope reading this does help you realize what works for you and what doesn't. Not to say that you should completely ignore everything that doesn't work for you, but rather, to feel less guilty about prioritizing something that does. And in fact, feeling empowered to prioritize what is best for your spiritual well-being.

Well, if you made it here, thank you. Some of you have known me my entire life and it might be jarring to see some shifts. I hope you can see the power of what I am doing, but if not, I will let you! Love you all!

"We can choose to be perfect and admired or to be real and loved."-Glennon Doyle

Hey friends! This will be a shorter blog post than I normally do. That's partially because QUARANTINE and my inability to focus on anything and also because what I have to say it pretty brief overall.

The biggest news is a recent health update. Nope, not pregnant. Don't get your hopes up people. Getting married was way out of my comfort zone so y'all gonna have to wait on that. Anyway, I was officially diagnosed with Hashimoto's and hypothyroidism. Without getting into too many specifics, I just wanted to say that I honestly felt spiritually guided on this journey to finding out. Many who are close to me know the crazy symptoms I've had with various health issues the past several years. I've advocated for myself at several different doctors and they all just thought everything was 'pretty normal' that was going on in my body. The main issue was feeling tired no matter what. I could take a nap every day (and now that I work for home, that's what I use my lunch time for!). I love taking 25 minute naps. I always feel better. But I've always felt shame about that and how sick I am all the time because then I feel like I am wasting time or not being a good *insert role here*. I honestly felt like people are sick of me complaining about the same thing all the time. Anyway, back in February, I was on Instagram (also this story is further proof that the spirit does really use what he can to speak to you in your own language) and I saw something about hypothyroidism posted by a girl whose workouts I used to do on Popsugar Fitness on YouTube. I was like huh don't know what that is but it stuck out to me. I googled it when I saw her post it again the next day. (I don't know how God speaks to you all, but if I see something that sticks out to me twice, it's usually important). As I was reading through all the symptoms, I felt seen. I talked to my dad about it and found out more of my family history with it and then also found out more about my mom's side of the family and their thyroid history. So I set up an appointment with an endocrinologist and hoped she would believe me. Guess what? She did. Most supportive doctor I've ever had. I just got my results and the first thing I felt was relief. This wasn't all in my head! I wasn't lazy or depressed or getting sick all the time because I worked too hard. It wasn't normal what was going on! I've gone through a lot of emotions since, but mostly it's one of gratitude that someone I used to workout with via YouTube posted her health journey and that somehow led to me finally getting some medical answers. I am so grateful for Heavenly Parents that use whatever platform (right now it's Instagram haha) to guide me into finding answers. And most importantly, I am grateful for a spouse that has never once vilified me for being sick or made me feel ashamed about having to take naps or getting sick all the day. Taylor is the best husband for me and I am so grateful we get to be together for forever.

Anyway, speaking of health stuff, I am going to talk a little about mental health. I feel like the last few months have been very interesting for me on an emotional level. I do NOT do well with emotions. I hardly ever know what I am feeling in the moment except sad, angry or happy. That is a child-like way of emotions so I have been learning more about it through my work and through podcasts and such. I am currently obsessed with Brene Brown's podcast. She has so many awesome people and I love her mantra of stay brave, awkward and kind. Two takeaways from her podcast are: 1. Pain is pain and we don't need to compare suffering and 2. it's normal to feel lonely even in situations where we are with people we love and 3. by showing up as who we really are, we are liberating others to share who they are with us.

I have always had a problem (as my mom will definitely attest to) about comparative suffering. I can be having a sob fest and in the middle of it try to talk myself out of it by talking about someone else has it infinitely worse than what I do right now. I loved her podcast with a guest star that focuses on grief and he said "the worse pain is your own." For some reason, that really hit me and I've been working really hard to allow my emotions to just be. It's very hard for me to not compare. I am also obsessive about managing my emotions and wanting to just process them quickly which I've realized is actually a trauma response, so I'm working on that. Trying to have a healthy response to emotions will probably always be hard, but it's been an interesting little study on myself.

Loneliness. Guys. I have always been fascinated about this and found it interesting that my patriarchal blessing mentions the fact that I feel like I am alone a lot. Because I "feel" different than a lot of women I know, I've always felt somewhat left out. I never really feel I fit in many different places which is why I have several really close friends who share the same humor and that's pretty much it. I have very different viewpoints on things. I have recently discovered so many people who think like me about church and societal expectations and it's been freeing. I am not the only one who wants to stay active AND feels like there's so much that needs to change in our church. I am not the only member of this faith that wants to work and finds SO much fulfillment from helping in a professional capacity. I am not the only woman who believes church doctrine AND also believes we are getting a lot of stuff wrong that is causing trauma and damage to its members. One of the most freeing things I learned while in my master's degree was the idea of 'both/and.' You have the capability to hold two conflicting emotions in you. I've always thought it's weird that I can agree with both sides of people who vehemently oppose each other but when I learned this, I realized it's normal.  (And also a nice ability for my profession of choice because conflict is just that-conflicting!) I can both love my Heavenly Parents and be disappointed by the cultural expectations and messages the church presents sometimes. How cool is that? Anyway, this is my long way of saying it has been SO nice to find people who think the same as me as I've always felt kind of isolated.  Even now, being married, I don't feel like the normal married women. I love Taylor and I also heartily acknowledge he isn't my whole life. He cannot fulfill every need (I had this point smack me in the face the other day when I wanted to be hyper and that's just not a place he goes. Though he lovingly listens to me while I am in that phase. Shout out to Taylor for loving me in my crazy hyper stage). This kind of turned into the third point of being who you really are and that has been really freeing. I have always been scared to post or discuss things about societal or church culture because I am the "people-pleaser and I want everyone to love me and think I am a good church girl." I don't like stirring the pot (unless you're close to me and then I will debate you until I die!) publicly. And I am a good person. But that doesn't mean that I don't have the need to discuss the issues I see need to be fixed. Literally on Friday, my work finally acknowledged an idea I had about four weeks ago to solve a problem with parents having to organize info and we've had so much positive feedback. Some people may call me pushy because I didn't give up on it, but that's because I believed it would help parents-and it did! But unlike many, my core personality is a fixer and I am so hopeful of the changes and shifts in every aspect of life that we will continue to see in the future.

Anyway, being married is fascinating. Yes, I know that sounds like I am going to be super analytical, but it really is so interesting. You never know how many things you believed are 100% truth until you're married. For example, we went to the car wash yesterday, and Taylor drove to the vacuums first. In my brain, I thought but you don't vacuum first! You have to wash the car first. And then my second thought was wait that's not actually a fact. You don't HAVE to wash the car first. It's just how you've always done it. It's been so fun to learn how ritualized my behavior is and learn that there are so many different ways to do things. I also like that Taylor and I think differently and that he can take me from chaos into clarity with very few words. However, it's also fascinating because I never fully realized how much my family and societal norms and culture impacted me. I find myself doing things subconsciously about how I feel I should be acting as a wife that are not true to who I am. (For example, cooking haha. As we all know, that isn't my jam) Taylor has never once asked me to cook dinner nor does he expect it, but I feel that pressing need that if I am home (like now since I am working from home) that it's my responsibility. It isn't whatsoever and I told Taylor and he was like I don't care if I cook dinner or not. And that's what I realized I was forcing this idea onto myself subconsciously that didn't need to happen. It's been really cool to see what behaviors I find myself engaging in that aren't true to myself and how I slowly realize I can change that. That being said, I am SUPER grateful I married someone that doesn't follow social or cultural norms (inside or outside of the church) and doesn't pressure me to do all the homemaker stuff. That is not my scene. Though I do love to clean and it has benefited Taylor because I clean like a mad lady during the day haha. Anyway, the point is getting married is a nice way to self-reflect on a lot of things with your best friend and that's the best.

That's it folks. Quarantine doesn't have me feeling very eloquent but I usually blog when I feel this compulsing need to share my story. Having talked to my aunt Sierra, (which was also a very validating experience!) I feel like I may start to share more on this blog as time goes on. Have a safe and happy Sunday!

“The individual has always had to struggle to keep from being overwhelmed by the tribe. If you try it, you will be lonely often, and sometimes frightened. But no price is too high to pay for the privilege of owning yourself.” Friedrich Nietzsche

I swear February flew by and that's why I'm writing this today and pretending it's February 30th instead of March 1st so I can count this as my blog post for my 20 in 2020 list. Speaking of here's an update on that list:

• I hit 100 classes at Pure Barre! This was exciting because I've done barre for the last year but I could only afford taking 8 classes a month in Colorado and then it didn't transfer over here. Now that I can take unlimited classes (for the same price as my 8 in Colorado. THANKS PHOENIX!), I hit it in less than four months. I got to sign the barre and join the 100 club. I even bought some barre socks that say 100 club on it. Taylor knew how important it was to me, so we got Rubios and he had bought donuts from Bosa's that made 100. So fun! Now onto 250!
• We finally went to an escape room. This was on both Taylor and my's 20 in 20 list. We found a cheap Groupon and went to the sketchy part of town with some friends from our ward. It was actually super fun! We did the Kidnapped room. The wives ended up being 'kidnapped' and then the husbands had to find us and then we proceeded to the final room together. It was so fun and we ended up doing it in less than a half hour which was awesome! We had the best mix of people on our team!
• I am really loving listening to podcasts. Right now I am listening to the rest of the Come Follow Me for Us podcast. The host is from Arizona so it's been fun to listen to her and gain some insights. I love when people are honest about the gospel. Also I am lowkey obsessed with Julie Hanks and all her insights about church culture and how damaging it can be. She is the best. Please look her up on social media and read her posts about people leaving the church, on dividing up housework and about being able to balance wanting a career with being a mom. She's super real and firey in a respectful way that I really appreciate. She really focuses on partnership marriages, meaning that both contribute to family and housework. It's literally the best. My favorite was when someone asked about how dividing housework is potentially against the Proclamation on the Family and she literally just responded that it says NOTHING about doing chores as a duty of women. YAASS. Also grateful that I married a man who does laundry and cooks whenever without being asked. 

Other updates:

I love my job! Seriously. I love the school and the kids and the teachers. Working in a charter school is way different and the way they do things is really different, but my boss is the best. We are all just a bunch of weirdos and it's so fun. I know it was so tough to be unemployed for a bit when we moved here, but this was definitely worth the wait. I love feeling valued for my very specific skills. I had this moment when I was de-escalating a kid and afterward he told me he was grateful I really listened, "not that fake listening adults do," where I felt so at peace knowing that I have some pretty unique talents. Which brings me to...

rereading Girl, Stop Apologizing. I love Rachel Hollis. I almost used one of her quotes from her as the title of this post. She just talks about how you never should apologize for your goals and dreams. This month, I felt really down about who I am as a woman. I feel so isolated because I think so differently than the majority of people I know. I never look at a situation in a way that most people would. My brain is always whirring and thinking about it from different perspectives. It's exhausting sometimes that I can't just read something and think like the masses. Sometimes I wish I had a 'normal' desire to want kids and be married. I wish that I could just accept things on faith instead of being in my head about them for years on end on things I want changed in the church. I honestly feel like it would be easier. Instead, I have always been compelled to have a career. I love being married though which is super nice. I realized I am SO much more fulfilled when I am helping kids. My attitude has been so much more positive knowing I can make a small difference. My entire countenance has changed. I reread my patriarchal blessing and felt a deep peace that my heavenly parents gave me these attributes and talents to be used. I am grateful to have a very unique skill of being able to help kids solve problems. As Rachel says so aptly, “I cannot continue to live as half of myself simply because it’s hard for others to handle all of me.” I also love this quote later on,“You are allowed to want more for yourself for no other reason than because it makes your heart happy. You don’t need anyone’s permission, and you certainly shouldn’t have to rely on anyone’s support as the catalyst to get you there.” I am grateful for the people who love my whole self, but most especially my husband who believes in my dream and supports it. And my heavenly parents who created me and support me in all the ways they can. One of my favorite parts of the gospel is knowing that I get to develop and learn and grow for ETERNITY. What a blessing.

I also did something way out of my comfort zone before I got this job. I ended up getting my substitute teaching license. I realized while talking to my Omi that everything I do always leads me to working with kids in schools. So I got it and then looked into alternative methods to get certified to teach (since Arizona is one of the few states that doesn't require you getting a degree). I think I would love to become a dean of students and had I stayed in Colorado, it wouldn't have been plausible since I wasn't going to go back to school to get certified as a teacher. But now it may be possible. Just another reason to always listen to Heavenly Father when he tells you to move somewhere even though you have NO IDEA why.

I am loving my book club. I love all the women in it and I love the discussions we have. It's so fun to learn and disagree and get on random tangents. I honestly look forward to it every month. I love the fun environment and how nice everyone is and I can't believe I haven't been in one sooner. Literature matters people.

Last night, I was deep in my thoughts about my immense fear of having kids. I deal with kids who have experienced severe trauma every day and I just couldn't help thinking that I was going to mess up my kids too much. I was thinking about how scary it is not knowing what will hurt them until you accidentally do it. I think of my own trauma and also how ALL of my mission companions carried trauma from their parents that greatly impacted them. I had spent all this week thinking about how I just didn't think I was ever going to have kids. Taylor and I went to a fireside last night with Richard Bushman and Kathleen Flake. (Yes it was so cool after I took so many classes at BYU on church history). They were speaking on the restoration. While they didn't mention anything groundbreaking, I did like that they talked about how we should let Joseph mature past a 14 year old boy and not just limit him to his first vision self. I liked that. Anyway, as we were getting into the car, this thought about how I would just screw up a kid was in my mind. I mentioned it to Taylor and in classic form, he responded in one sentence and my fear suddenly vanished. Like what he said IMMEDIATELY brought me comfort. I won't share specifics or any other personal experiences where Taylor has given me a one sentence answer, but let's just say it's been many. I am grateful for a partner who, when I've been in my head and am so far deep in thought, can be inspired to alleviate all that stress with one sentence. How grateful I am that I felt inspired to date him. We will be recreating our first date this month (March 29, three years ago!) and I will write about it later. Also, for the record, we won't be having kids for a while, so don't be asking us about it since I wrote this post haha.

I definitely feel like February was a month full of love and joy. Until next time!

"I must learn to be content with being happier than I deserve."-Jane Austen

Hi everyone! It's been a hot minute since I've blogged. I realized I didn't blog at all last year and that seems pretty indicative of how wild last year really was for me. So many changes! If you don't follow me on social media, I married Taylor in September and then we moved to Arizona a week later for his new job! So all the new things! I genuinely love Arizona a lot now. I was super apprehensive to move to a new state RIGHT after getting married but everyone here is so so nice. Like bizarrely nice. More on that later. It's been nice and I haven't been getting sinus headaches so that is a definite plus. I really love the quote I chose as the title for this blog post. I was watching the series finale of Madam Secretary (sad since I loved this show!) and one of the characters included this in her wedding vows and it really spoke to me. I am ALWAYS waiting for the other shoe to drop. Every time I've made a decision, I've run it through the worst case scenario so I can prepare myself for if that happens. So when she said this, and it was at her wedding, my heart really connected to it. I, like Jane Austen, feel like I am happier than I deserve in my life, especially being married to Taylor because I thought I would NEVER get married. And it's not because of big moments, but like the little ones. Like this morning, when my hair was super frizzy and it was driving me nuts. I decided to rub a dryer sheet on it (since I've heard that works) but couldn't reach the back or the very top so Taylor walked over and just helped me to do it. That's true love y'all. 

Anyway, here are some thoughts that have been jumbling around my brain the last month since I've had a lot of time to think:

• My 20 in 2020 list has been going well. Here is the full list with some updates of how I've done for the month of January! (You can mostly skip if you've seen my stuff on Facebook) 

1. Make an authentic Italian dish. I LOVE Italian food. A lot. And I hate cooking. A lot. So in order to crack this one, I used some of our Christmas money to take a southern Italy cooking class. It was so much fun! And so delicious. I was partnered with a widow whose children purchased this class for her. She was so nice! We made the polenta with mushrooms and fontina but all of the dishes were delicious and now I am convinced I need to go on an extended vacation in Italy...
2. Go on a cruise. We booked a cruise for the week of our first anniversary so yay!
3. Find and memorize a poem.
4. Hit 100 classes at Pure Barre. I will hit 27 classes this month! (We have a black barre challenge where we do 15 classes every month for a year, but then they threw in a mini 12 classes in 12 days challenge at the end of January, so my legs will be jello at the end of this month but whatever. I love me a good challenge!) 
5. Read 10 memoirs or Pulitzer prize winning literature. This month, I read the Goldfinch. It was VERY long but I felt like an overall pretty good read. I also feel like it could be less than 300 pages instead of the 854 it clocked in at. 
6. Visit the Grand Canyon. 
7. Credit card and car free of debt!
8. Trip to Seattle with Cassie
9. Dance it out once a month. Did this will Taylor was in Omaha visiting his brother. I am going to make a dance it out playlist and share it on this blog next month. 
10. Choose a monthly quote. January's is "Happiness, not in another place, but this place. Not for another hour, but this hour."-Walt Whitman. I am taking suggestions for my February theme/quote! 
11. Blog once a month. 
12. Go to the temple 12 times. We made it to the temple twice this month to do sealings. More on that later. 
13. Stay current with Come, Follow Me
14. Go to an escape room
15. Listen to a podcast once a week. I have really been enjoying listening to podcasts. Yes, I know that I am behind on this but it's because I'm not really an auditory learner and so it was hard for me to get on this train. I've listened to some from The Motherhood Tribe, Things You Should Know, The Skimm, Matthew Hussey, and just today listened to one called Don't Miss This! which is focused on the Come, Follow Me every week. I'm loving it!
16. Set up my reading nook. Completed! 
17. Sugar and social media fast (7 days)
18. Hike Camelback Mountain
19. Meditate once a week. I am using Insight Timer and I love it! Yesterday, I had an intense nightmare and I was anxious all morning. We went to the grocery store and for some reason, I kind of snapped. I came home and my sweet husband turned off the lights and then I put on my weighted blanket and did a 23 minute meditation for anxiety. I ended up falling asleep for the last few minutes because of how relaxed I had become. It's a miracle!
20. Laugh deeply frequently (harder to 'measure' but I did marry someone who I think is very funny so it works out)

• I really really love when Heavenly Father allows me the opportunity to very intentionally reflect on my life. I had one of those very clear moments on December 26. On December 26, 2013, my dad had already moved out of our house and my mom was moving out. I, being SUPER conflict adverse, had decided to take the GRE that day without studying. (Not my smartest move but whatever since I did get into three different schools haha). And then after I took the GRE, my car steering wheel got stuck and my uncle had to talk me through getting it unjammed. It was, overall, a terrible day. A few days prior, I had seen Frozen and sobbed my way through "Let it Go." Then on December 26, 2019, a member in our ward aptly named Joy invited us to help her do some family names for sealings. The spirit was so strong in the room that night. We had the opportunity to seal four daughters to their parents at one time. As I heard the words of the sealing of children to parents, I just felt the spirit so strongly that I began to tear up. Here I was, six years later, doing sealings with my spouse having completed my master's degree a year prior in conflict resolution despite many obstacles against me. How did that even happen?! I also had loved the new frozen song "The Next Right Thing" which is about being fearful but having the courage to do whatever the next right thing is and that has become my theme for 2020. I know many people. family members included, were nervous I was marrying Taylor a month after his mission. To be honest, I would have been concerned knowing me too! I'll let you in on a secret: *I* was also nervous. But I knew it was the right thing to do. And guess what? Being married to your best friend and going through ups and downs together is the best. Plus even though I still carry trauma that 'forever' relationships can end, I have faith and we put in the work to make it forever. 

          I love being married! I did a lot of work on myself during the two years he was on a mission. This included learning about my triggers and biases and unhealthy way of viewing relationships. It also included learning to be vulnerable 100% around him. It was a lot of effort! Yikes it's hard to dig back into your past and see why you are the way you are.That being said, I wish people would stop saying being married the first year is hard. I'm about to get on my soap box here, so please please read because I'm super passionate about this. If you've gotten to know the person you've married right, there's not a whole lot to fight about! (Taylor and I aren't fighters, but we do have set aside time each week to check in with each other. It's a nice safe space and by that time, unless it's a hill I'm willing to die on because it's so important to me, it's not that big of a deal). Yes, you have to learn a lot about each other, but it's also fascinating. Case in point: our first week in our new apartment Taylor had like four of his little cups in the sink by the end of the day. I grew up with the mentality instilled by my mother that you have one big cup you used every day until it was washed and you switched it out. So I'm sitting here like ugh I am not going to wash all these because doesn't he know you only get one cup per a week?! Instead of phrasing it like that, I asked him, why do you like using different cups? And you know what his answer was? Because he likes the different colors and sometimes he just really wants a yellow cup. Once he said that, I was like okay, in the same way that I enjoy using the same cup because then I don't have to make a choice, Taylor likes different cups for the different colors and variety brings him joy. Good to know because my worldview is that I need consistency for joy. The idea that someone would want to change their cup all the time seems (in a small way) anxiety-inducing for me. A VERY small thing but once I explored it with curiosity instead of irritation, I had no problem with him using different cups throughout the day. 

         When you tell people who are in unhealthy relationships that "all relationships are hard" or that "the first year of marriage is really hard," you're essentially telling them that what they are experiencing is normal. GAH. NO! Let me be clear: abuse of any kind including your spouse disrespecting you is not normal or healthy! Another gentle, but firm reminder is that bishops (our ecclesiastical leaders) are there to help us SPIRITUALLY. They are not licensed marriage therapists or therapists of any kind. Sure, they can listen but they should not be giving you any advice in relation to your marriage. I had an excellent YSA bishop who listened and supported my worries about getting married but he also suggested therapy. That's the perfect balance! I was on the phone the other day with a close friend from college and I was telling her that the only way I was FULLY able to get married was to process the fact that Taylor and I could get a divorce. I sat and pondered this for an entire day and what my worst case scenario would me for us getting divorced. It was a tough day and honestly wouldn't super recommend it haha. But after, I was reflecting on how my parents are healing from their divorce. Looking at the past 6 years, I could see that getting divorced was really the best gift they gave us as kids, but also for their personal development and growth. I cringe at the sentiment that we oftentimes preach at church that you should never live with the mentality that divorce is an option. Guess what? Divorce is an option and sometimes it's the best option. Looking back at it, I almost wish my parents had gotten divorced sooner so that I would have had a longer time to watch them heal and develop before I got married. And less time of being privvy to a relationship that wasn't working anymore. To anyone reading this in a relationship where you feel belittled or berated emotionally or physically, please don't 'stay in it for the kids.' Trust me when I say, your kids are experiencing MORE trauma listening and witnessing an unhealthy relationship. Please please make the courageous move and get out of it before it impacts them deeply. I understand what I've just typed is probably controversial but it's really how I feel. Let's start talking about how life is hard but if you're in a healthy relationship, the hard parts are made easier by having a loving spouse who is always in your corner. And if you don't have that loving spouse in your corner, please please be more open to getting out of that relationship! 

• About mediation! I've always thought the phrase that Christ is our mediator was really cool. And then I learned more about mediation through theory and training, and I realized it's a really cool title for Christ because mediation is all about empowering people to be their best selves and helping them make their own best decisions. In essence, whenever we talk about Christ being a mediator, I had always imagined him interfering with our decisions. But that's not what a great mediator does. A great mediator listens, lifts up the positive emotions and empowers a person to come to their own conclusions. Mediation respects agency. I love thinking about a loving Savior that knows and loves us and wants to help us make our best decisions, but doesn't force us. Mediators also can handle differing truths in a room and I love thinking about how much our Savior loves us even when we aren't following Truth (truth with a capital T) 
• I've become low-key obsessed with Brene Brown. I LOVE HER. One of my new favorites is from her:"Authenticity is a collection of choices that we have to make every day. It’s about the choice to show up and be real. The choice to be honest. The choice to let out true selves be seen.” So in an effort to be more authentic and vulnerable, I do have to admit that being in Arizona has been tough due to my career options. I really did  love working at my past job (though it was wild!) in Colorado. I don't want to look back with rose-colored glasses, but I do really want to work in restorative justice. I worked as a special education para for about six weeks and quit because I had been unofficially offered a job as a PBIS Coach (positive behavior interventions! right up my alley!). Then, a few days later, he EMAILED me to let me know the position had been filled without any explanation. So that was infuriating. I have cried MANY times about job stuff. I have continued my job search but random things keep on happening. Like I applied for an entry level job at the Better Business Bureau (because it's at least ConRes related!) and they let me a voicemail to interview me and then I called back multiple times and left messages to no avail. I have felt very worthless the last month because I have some credit card debt that accumulated from health stuff while I was in grad school. If I am being honest, normally I would wait until I got a job to talk about it in my blog post. In an effort to be more authentic, I am going to post it today knowing full well I am jobless. I had a final interview for Grand Canyon University for a conduct officer so we shall see about that. In the meantime, I have been praying to use my time wisely because I realized last week that I just stay in the house and it makes me super depressed. It's been a hard month with a close friendship seeming to fray what I felt was somewhat randomly. I am very glad for Linds, my mom and Taylor for listening to me cry without judgement and holding space for me when I need it the most. That being said, please send me positive vibes I will eventually figure out what I personally am supposed to be doing here in Arizona. It is VERY hard to be the woman that moved to another state because her husband got another job. I always thought women were weak for doing that because I like providing for myself financially. But now, being in this situation, and KNOWING without a doubt that we are supposed to be in Arizona, I see the other side of it. Dang, I really need to stop saying I'll never do something. (Seriously though because I have often said I will never have more than two kids and I am sticking to that for now haha) It's hard because I have been almost financially independent for nearly a decade so to have Taylor be our only income and having him provide for me makes me very anxious because I am a control freak. I think part of the reason I've struggled with job stuff is for this very lesson. I've learned to be more vulnerable about finances and having 'someone else' aka my SPOUSE provide financially for us for the past month. Learning to be interdependent is hard for me sometimes but it's also a fun journey. Also Taylor is adorable and made me a promise that I won't publicize but essentially involved him being willing to move to accommodate my career as needed. 
• Santa Claus miracle dude. Okay so I didn't meet Santa Claus. Well, I can't confirm that either. But, like I mentioned earlier, Arizonans are SUPER nice. Our first week here, we went to Walmart and we were looking for something and I was talking about how I just wished all our stuff was already moved in. This college-aged guy starts talking to us and asking where we moved from and I'm thinking that this dude is going to try and sell us something so we need to peace, but then he just says welcome to Arizona and I hope you love it. And then he walked off! WHAT? Anyway, so I was on a walk with Lola a little bit ago and this cute old man was getting out of his car and stopped me to ask if he could give Lola a treat. I told him of course! So then he told me about how he had this dog for like 14 years and fed it bacon every day so that "he could just have the best life." We ended up talking for about 20 minutes about how he had moved here from Germany and that it had been hard. He was going skiing later that evening. At the end, he just sincerely thanked me for listening to him and as I walked off, I was just thinking about how sweet he was and how grateful I was to have met him. One of my mission companions, JoLee, had sent me something that someone had said in a talk that reminded me of this moment: "She (the person speaking) met this lady that she said she felt like she had known all her existence, and who Heavenly Father put in her path on earth, for however brief a time, just because he knew it would make their spirits happy." I love that! You never know the impact a conversation can have. Plus as I walked away, he summoned me back and gave ma huge box of Ghirardelli chocolate, so what a bonus!

That's about it. January was full of some very fun random moments like exploring a five floor library and trying new restaurants. I am excited to see what February brings and hopeful that I will have more answers to my individual purpose here in Arizona. I am very much enjoying the 73 degree weather we currently have!

"Inside the chaos, build a temple of love."- Rune Lazuli

Everyone knows I love lists because I like categories. I also always like to reflect on the end of the year so I can document my life. I started with my favorite quote from this year as my title. Words matter and I find that quotes soothe me. My entire apartment has very little photos but tons of quotes everywhere. I had a very chaotic year, but I liked the emphasis of making it full of love. Some runner up quotes included:

“Conflict is also like a journey. We talk about getting ourselves “in” and “out” of messes, problems, and “situations.” We try to figure out “where we are” on an issue, or where somebody “is headed” with a crazy idea. Our language talks about a journey. In conflict, more than in any other human experience, we see ourselves and others in new and profound ways, and we seek to restore truth and love in ourselves. If we take care to look beyond the words and the issues, we see God.”- John Paul Lederach

"We receive our inspiration from the mountains, but receive our maturity from the valleys of life."-Winston Churchill

"Never put a question mark where the Lord has put a period."- Harold B. Lee

"Learn how to stay with your fear; learn how to use it to build a muscle for facing what feels scary and overwhelming." - Daisy Ozim

"I would like to become tolerant without overlooking anything. Persecute no one even when all people persecute me. Become better without noticing it. Become sadder, but enjoy living. Become more serene. Be hapy in others. Belong to no one, grow in everyone. Love the best, comfort the worst, not even hate myself anymore." Elias Canetti

"You enter the forest at the darkest point, where there is no path."-Joseph Campbell

Funniest Memory:
This was hard for me, but the time I laughed the hardest was with Lindsey and Marisa on are unforgettable spring break trip to Glenwood. Not only did I get so sick that I wanted to see if there were missionaries there to give me a blessing, but we also got a 'cave rave' by our cave enthusiast, Cole and I probably will never forget it. I won't ever forget thinking I would die from severe cramps and an episode of what I now know to be IBS in our sketchy hotel room either.

*Runner up moment was when Leanna and I were mediating and it was a ridiculous dispute and the plaintiff just starts talking about how Judge Judy wanted him on his show. I couldn't stop wanting to laugh and it was a highly funny moment.

*Another honorable mention is when Mason and Heather were getting sealed and my papa goes, "Okay Mason, take Sister Davis and walk over here" and Mason started walking towards my mom instead of Heather.

Embarrassing Moment of the Year:
This was easy. Marisa and I went to a placed called Park Burger near DU. I had recently been diagnosed with IBS and I had forgotten that avocados and garlic were big trigger foods. I ate a lot of both and then we decided to go on a walk. Well... my stomach all the sudden really needed the restroom, so I told Marisa we needed to power walk to the restaurant or I would poop my pants. Good news is we had been roommates for three years in college and she loves me, so she was nice about it, but it wasn't my fondest memory.

Cool People I Met This Year:

• Michelle Kwan
• John Paul Lederach
• Madeline Albright

Best Piece of Advice:
This one is tied between Taylor and Lindsey.

• Taylor's piece of advice came a few weeks ago when I was worried about going back to Target the day after I had a sob fest about one of my students and couldn't stop crying so I left work early. He reminded me that people wouldn't judge me for caring about students and that it really didn't matter what other people thought. I was so nervous about going back until he said that and realized that nobody at Target knew the full story and as he reminded me, I was quitting in two weeks anyway. It gave me the confidence to not freak out about going back. (Also, they really didn't care. My boss made sure I was alright and then was super stoked I had come back). I'm working on caring about people's opinions of me less. 
• Lindsey's was also helpful. I have done a lot of relationship research because getting married was scary territory for me. A lot of reading talks about having shared experiences and memories and I started freaking out that Taylor and I had very little shared experiences. He hadn't known me when I went to DC or when I sobbed my brains nearly every day when my parents were getting divorced. He didn't know me as Hermana Davis and he wasn't technically here for my masters. Those were all big milestones and provided a huge growth for me. She reminded me that she hadn't been there for some of those moments and she also hadn't known me for any of those big moments in high school but they had become like shared memories because I had talked about them at length. It clicked that Taylor and I had created a shared space even though most of our relationship we've been apart. It was a tender mercy she said this and I'll be forever grateful. 

Coolest Things I've Learned:

• One of my favorite things I've learned is there is a difference between intent and impact. I can't tell you how many conversations I've had where I've said, "but I never meant to be rude/mean/arrogant, etc." And that's not the point. The point is how the person was impacted. 
• Emotional bids. I've already written about this but this term is the best!
• Another thing I love is the idea that everyone has their own sense of truth. Everyone has their own story that they tell themselves and oftentimes a conflict comes from two conflicting truths. I've always been comfortable acknowledging that 
• I learned a lot about my personal triggers and biases which has been helpful in my field. 

Favorite Movie: I liked a lot of movies this year, but I would say Crazy Rich Asians, Mary Poppins or First Man. All for different reasons, but all good.

Weirdest Place I Visited:
The bigfoot museum. But it was also a serious highlight and one of the best hours of this year. I'm half tempted to write the BFRO (Bigfoot Research Organization) into my will but I won't. It was seriously so fun!

Most Spiritual Moment:
This is also a tie between doing sealings with my future in-laws and the time our mission had a 'reunion' at the temple and I was once again in the temple with President Corbitt and I felt like even the angels were happy that Taylor and I were getting married. Both were spiritual highs for me this year during moments I really needed the spirit.

Songs That Motivated Me: (I tend to associate songs with my time of life, though some of these songs have always been my jam, many will always remind me of grad school)

• Whatever it Takes-Imagine Dragons
• The entirety of Taylor Swift's reputation. 
• Never Give Up and the Greatest- Sia
• Run the World-Beyonce 
• Who's Laughing Now?-Jessie J 
• Might Not Like Me- Bryn Elliot 
• Woman- Kesha

Good Reads That Motivated Me: 

• Anything written by John Paul Lederach. He's my new worldly obsession. 
• Educated a memoir by Tara Westover that is about a woman who was in a Mormon family who grew up with extreme views that didn't allow her to go to school. She ends up going to BYU and eventually finished her PhD at Cambridge and is one of the most beautifully written memoirs I've ever read. 
• Multiple BYU Speeches. I got really into reading them when I had a free moment at my internship, but one of my favorites is Women and Education: "A Future Only God Could See For You" and Be 100% Responsible. If you get a chance, read one of them. They were exceptional. 
• The Art of Gathering by Priya Parker. She's actually a conflict resolution practitioner but it's a fascinating read on the importance of gathering together for a specific purpose. 
• Text Me When You Get Home. Lindsey got this for my birthday and it's a book about female friendships and is a solid read about how we need to make sure we always cultivate our relationships with our friends. 

Best Moment at Work:

This is my second grade friend and I will call him John for the purpose of this quick story. When I first met him, we had to take him to the quiet room (where there is no stimulus and no furniture because he was throwing chairs and scissors and yelling that we weren't his boss. He repeatedly kicked me in the shins and called me an effing b multiple times. Flash forward several months and I took this picture after he was throwing crayons at other students. (A significant improvement from scissors). He had calmed down in less than a minute and was working quietly at my office and I took this picture to send to Taylor. A few minutes later, he came over and asked, "Ms. Kelsey, do you do hugs?" My first thought was oh my gosh, we are teaching boys consent! But I promptly responded and said, "Of course I do bud!" He gave me a hug and with some tears in his eyes replies, "I never feel like anyone cares about me, but I know you do." I looked right in his eyes, gave him a big hug and said, "You bet I do!" He's obsessed with watches and loves my Apple Watch. I bought him a watch off Amazon that has a vibrating timer and he had to earn it before Christmas. The day before break, he wouldn't take it off and would tell every single person he met that this was his new watch. He's kind of a turkey, but I love that little dude and I love my job. 

Here's to 2019: the year I walk for my master's degree, finish my first year at a real job and get married! It's going to be awesome!

“What you do makes a difference. And you have to decide what kind of difference you want to make” -Jane Goodall

This blog post begins a long time ago. Specifically, second grade. See in second grade, I was put in Ms. Critchfield’s class and I was assigned to sit by someone who I will refer to as Joseph. Joseph was a kid that acted out quite frequently and I seemed to be the only one that could handle sitting by him. I think my teachers were all very understanding through my time in elementary school, but when I first sat by him in second grade, I came home and complained to my mom. I didn’t understand why I was being punished for being good. She told me that he was going through a lot of things at home and that I needed to be nice to him. So I took my mom’s advice and it worked. I sat by him every year, for usually the entire year, until the end of sixth grade. Though Joseph is still the main character in my most embarrassing moment ever (when he found a note I had written to a crush and he decided to read it out loud to the ENTIRE CLASS), we had a good rapport. I would never consider us friends, but we got used to working with each other. I think he knew I always had his back. I sat a few seats away from him at high school graduation and gave him a hug and haven’t seen him since, but I still think about him.

I share this story because it’s a demonstration that I am in exactly the right field. Landing in the field of conflict resolution was not an easy process and many thought I should just go to law school. I get it. I’m super argumentative and value logic and I like defending people who are being misrepresented. I also am famous for saying, “but if you look at his/her side, then you’ll see that what they’re saying is also true.” I also understand that most people follow a cookie cutter route in life and don’t like to explore options and think that it’s either business, law or med school if you are doing a graduate degree. I also understand people who genuinely want to practice law, but I was not one of them. I knew that the second I was around lawyers all the time when I was an intern at the Federal Judicial Center in DC. I’ve shared this on another blog post, but it was a very intense prompting that I needed to get a master’s in conflict resolution and I am so happy I did. It is the perfect field for me and I feel like it was made for me.

 As a restorative practices liaison in a Title I elementary school, I deal every day with “problem kids.” Essentially any time a student is acting out, I go and talk to them and do circles or restorative conversations with them. I listen to them. I believe their truth even when it conflicts with another student or adult. I help them understand when their truth is unsafe. I make plans with them and help them make things right. It’s funny that this is the position I am in because before I left on my mission, I wanted to rule the State Department. Some people still have me in their phones at Madam Secretary (mostly just my mom, but that’s fine). But while on my mission, I realized how much I like individualized interaction. I don’t like big groups. I am so much better one on one with people. (Maybe another reason I’ve never had the desire to have a lot of children). I had never realized that before and I credit my time as a missionary for helping me realize how strong of a core value that was for me. When I came back, I started looking into programs with teaching English as a second language because I realized I would like to work in a school. The more I looked into those programs though, the more something felt wrong. I wanted to work in a school but not be a teacher. What? That’s the question I got commonly when I told people that. When this job popped up on Indeed during institute, I got my Kelsey prompting and knew I was supposed to be there. It’s the perfect combination of things I love: people taking active accountability for their actions, listening, repairing harm and making sure all sides of a story are represented and heard. People ask me how I am around these kids all the time. It’s not always fun and there are a lot of moments of the day when I’m negotiating with a kindergarten who is screaming and throwing things and I think to myself, why am I here? But then I always remark that kids are supposed to act out on some level and adults do the same crap all the time but no one tags them on their behavior. Yesterday, I was with two students who had gotten in a small fight on the bus. Long story short, I called both their guardians and it turns out THEY are also in a tiff. I was like I can handle solving the conflict with your children, but y’all need to figure out your own stuff because it’s ridiculous.

There are other parts of restorative justice that I have been prepared for throughout my life. One other way is because people always tell me things. I was telling this to our assistant principal because she had just talked to a student and could not get a lot out of him. I spent five minutes with him and he told me all about what was happening at school and what happened at his house this morning. I had a student on Friday, who I don’t know very well, get in trouble for being snarky with a para at recess and she came out to me. (She hadn’t told anyone except her mom). I had another student tell me about sexually suggestive comments boys were making to her at recess that had been happening for over a year and she had told no one. I have no idea why people like to tell me things, especially because I have that classic invisible “don't talk to me” tattoo on my forehead, but it’s been like this also since I was in elementary school. In college, I had my big fluffy green chair and I ended up jokingly calling it my therapy chair because people would come in my room, flop on the chair and start pouring out their feelings. As someone who is terrible with their own emotions, I find it super fascinating and illogical, but I’m glad people trust me. It’s a weird thing to mention, and I know it has nothing to do with my personality or strengths, but it’s been nice in this job to realize utilize that ability and make sure I can build an environment of trust. So far it’s worked and I hope my students always realize they can come and tell me anything that’s going on.

I have very much realized my white privilege while working here. I went to school in this exact same district growing up, but never experienced or heard any of my peers experience what happens to my kids on a daily basis. I was thinking about my life and realized the most traumatic thing that ever happened to me was when my parents divorced. And while that was personally one of those moments where the floor caves in, comparatively speaking, it’s nothing compared to what my elementary students deal with now. I’ve never had autism and watched my dad get arrested for selling drugs right before school. I’ve never had to jump on my dad’s back to stop him from beating my mom. I’ve never been beaten by either of my parents. I’ve never once gone to bed hungry, looking forward to going to school since I knew I would get breakfast and lunch. I’ve never had my grandma tell me she will beat me if I like girls. In kindergarten, I wasn’t living in a park with my dad while my mom was in a meth recovery center. These are all students’ stories that I have heard in the past month. Nothing super traumatic has happened to me. I know you shouldn’t categorize pain or trauma, but honestly, I want to cry when I hear these student’s stories.

This past Wednesday, I had had it with crappy parents and crappy home life.  I decided I had to drive to the temple and go to a session. It took me an hour to drive there in traffic and I cried the whole way there. I just kept on thinking why is this happening to little kids? Why have I led such an uneventful life and these kids were born into terrible circumstances? I missed my session by a few minutes, so I went and did initatories and stayed in the celestial room for over a half hour. I poured my heart out. I cried. I prayed fervently. I just needed some peace. And then, for some reason, I was reminded one of the parts of restorative justice that I love: I am only responsible for my own actions. (This is a statement I use frequently because kids constantly say ‘they made me do it’). I realized I had to let go, as much as it sucks and hurts and is terrible, of what happens to a student as soon as they leave the building. I don’t get to control what happens when they get home. I do however, get to control how they are treated at school. I do get to fight for them a bit when teachers deservedly are frustrated with their behavior. I can choose to be with them during breakfast and morning recess and ask everyone how their night was and what they are doing for the weekend. (One little boy told me the other day, “I’m so happy you’re always at breakfast Ms. Kelsey because you always give me the first smile of the day.” My heart actually broke) I can choose to listen and not get frustrated when my little second grade friend is laying in the hallway, refusing to listen to me. I can help my kids focus and express their emotions positively. And most importantly, I can love them. This little third grader, who is literally so sweet but is also always getting mixed into trouble, gave me a hug a few days ago in line. He gets sent to my office a lot, but he’s just the sweetest kid. Another second grader who, last year, was throwing chairs and constantly getting super angry, was so excited to call his mom and while on the phone he said, “Guess what? Ms. Kelsey thinks I’m an awesome student.” I’m not writing these down to toot my own horn. There have been plenty of kids that don’t like me since I do have to talk about consequences with them, but I am writing them down to remember on the hard days why I do what I do.  It’s funny because even though I get between 15,000-20,000 steps a day and I never get lunch and I’m dealing with kids in trouble for 8 hours a day, I love my job. I honestly wouldn’t trade it for the world. I know I was being super prideful since I also had a job offer to work at the DA’s office, but this is the best job I’ve ever had. I have rewritten a narrative I have always told people about myself since I was young: I am terrible with children. Many people have heard me say this. But guess what? It’s not true. In fact, I’m quite good with them. I have a kindergarten who stabs people with pencils and runs around swearing, but the second I am in there, he comes up and says, “Ms. Kelsey, I know what I just did was wrong. I just got so mad. Can I practice my apology with you?” (He’s a little turd sometimes, but I love him). I also get to see this compassionate side of me that is rare. (Honestly if I think your problem is dumb, I will probably tell that to your face, so I'm not normally very compassionate). But when I am around these kids, I would move mountains for them. In essence, I get to be my best worldly self at my job. It’s so great to be in a field that plays to your strengths, fills your bucket, and helps (even if it’s a small amount) children. Sometimes it honestly makes me never want to have kids because a. big emotions in tiny bodies are difficult and b. negotiating with five year olds is hard work and c. I don’t want to screw them up with any of the decisions I make. But, most of the time, it makes me super excited that I get to be entrusted to care for my own kids someday. It also makes me excited that I am choosing a partner, who though he isn’t perfect, is a perfect complement to me and we can come up with our parenting style. Yes, I’m sure we are going to scar them in ways like all parents do, but I know we will do the best we can to love them no matter what the challenges that we will have to face. I am so happy that in this short time, I have truly found my ideal self. And for now, since I am obviously not going to be a mom any time soon, I love getting to fully love the kids I work with. They really are the cutest kids!