“Don't let the expectations and opinions of other people affect your decisions. It's your life, not theirs. Do what matters most to you; do what makes you feel alive and happy. Don't let the expectations and ideas of others limit who you are. If you let others tell you who you are, you are living their reality — not yours. There is more to life than pleasing people. There is much more to life than following others' prescribed path. There is so much more to life than what you experience right now. You need to decide who you are for yourself. Become a whole being. Adventure.” ― Roy T. Bennett

 Wow. This quote took my breath away when I first read it. I have been on a journey lately and needed time to process a lot of things.

I have been reflecting recently on how I have done a lot of things for other people. The list is too long to write down here but a GOOD chunk of my life has been based on what I was expected to do. I talked in therapy back in April that I felt completely lost now that I was done having kids. Growing up my in faith, there were several steps and the "last" was having kids. I did all of it. I went to BYU, served a mission, got a master's degree, got married in the temple and had my two kids. And I have felt so weird since I realized I am done having kids. I know what you're thinking: You have a great life and good experiences and now a good job. That's all true! But I cannot help feeling a lot of grief recently and a little lost. It may seem silly but I have felt grief about all of the following recently: 

• Having two HG pregnancies. I don't even know how to explain this in written form. It was the most challenging part of my life except my mission. I wanted to have kids and still feel guilt about the 24 hours during my second pregnancy where I begged God to let me have a miscarriage so I didn't have to deal with the pain anymore. For someone who grew up in an extremely conservative family and religion, I cannot begin to explain the pain I felt when I had this thought.
• Staying in a church that actively hurts a lot of people I care about because I care about people's opinions of me. At the end of the day, I really only care about my opinion of myself. 
• Working at a job where I got physically harmed and cried all the time because I wanted to prove I could be a working mom.
• So many people at my prior job and others not knowing my true self. I was known as the crying girl for a myriad of reasons and I cannot stop perseverating on it because I haven't cried at once at work this year so far.
• Not having the money or time to get a PhD right now despite really really wanting to do it. Dr. Davis has a great ring to it. 
• Not being able to trust my own intuition anymore because I outsourced it to other people. It feels jarring to realize that sometimes I need to trust myself. I cannot tell you how many times I wish I had spoken up in the moment but did not because I wanted people to like me.

I am at the point in my life where I do not care about appearances. (and I am not talking about physical appearances, but yes, that too!) I care about how something feels or actually is. I do not want things in my life that have the appearance of looking good. I want the things and people in my life to BE good. I was thinking about the various circumstances and places I have been in over the course of my life that presented themselves as good to the outside world but really were not. All these thoughts were triggered because at work, I made a very nice attendance meeting template. I was proud and was like yes, it looks great and I am killing it. My principal told me "Kelsey, this LOOKS great but I care more that is FUNCTIONS great." In that moment, something clicked. I was doing pretty much everything in my life to look good. This probably stemmed from both growing up in my religion AND 'hiding' the problems in my family publicly. I have learned a lot about therapy and familial roles and my role in the family was to be perfect so that no one would see the dysfunction. If I was excelling, there was NO way something was going wrong, right? I am finding a lot of compassion for myself and realizing why I worked in the jobs I have for so long. I like things that looked good. I like things that are organized and everything has a clear answer. I was getting really upset with myself a few months ago for staying too long in my prior job despite knowing it wasn't a good fit for me. But thinking about this now, it makes me realize I was just doing the best I could to not drown. I was in my 'comfort' zone so to speak. There was high control and rules, just like BYU and my mission and that felt safe. I wish I could go back in time a few years ago and tell my younger self, it's okay to work in a more chaotic environment. It's okay to quit things right when you want to do so. It's okay that you like being a big fish in a little pond. Own it girl! I am finding a LOT of self compassion. When I graduated my master's program, I used to tell everyone I wanted to be Secretary of State (fun fact: When I call my mom, it still pops up as Madam Secretary) Though I would no longer want that job thanks to the dumpster fire that is America right now, I have realized I still like being a big fish in a little pond. I like to be the shining star still. I wish that it wasn't a part of my personality, especially when I am trying to care less about what people think but also, it's a part of who I am. I scheme and dream big. Always have, and probably always will. Reflecting on all this, I have been thinking about what my future looks like. After a lot of reflection,  my goal for now is this: do good things for the benefit of others in a way that I want to do them.

Moving forward, I want to do things that feel authentically feel good. I want to do good things that no one knows about just to help others. I don't want to do something because I feel obligated. I have been thinking a lot about who I believe God is and who God is not. Since I am working on positive framing in a world focused on rage, here's my list of who I believe God is:

• Is the one who loves and cares for every human being regardless of who they are
• Weeps and mourns with those that are suffering regardless if they're American... (yikes to this country right now y'all)
• Cares that use our talents and money for good
• To clarify, I never feel the presence God more when I am helping a student at work or helping a co worker or donating to a random GoFund me. I don't think God cares about the checklist of things that I have been taught. I don't think he cares about me paying 10% of my money as much as he cares that I sacrifice for people with my time, talents or money. He cares that I AM a good person not that I look like I am publicly. 
• Understands our limitations, traumas and how we are walking through life. When I think of God, I think of the ultimate compassion. I think my faith severely limits God into a box of being compassionate until XYZ.  I don't believe God is like that. I believe he is all loving and compassionate ALWAYS.

That being said, I have felt God in a more authentic way recently when I removed the checklist. It's so easy to be like "okay, I have attended the temple X amount of times and I paid my tithing and I have gone to church every week." That's simple and elementary faith in my opinion. I have excelled at the checklist because I love a good checklist. (who doesn't love a good list??!) But now, I am trying to increase my faith into a more complex thing where the checklist doesn't matter but my actions do. What am I doing in private to love and serve others? How am I treating my family? How can I be an answer to someone's prayer? How am I getting the results I need at work? How am I advocating for my direct reports and the students I work with? What is the behind the scenes help I am offering others that doesn't get publicly lauded? 

I have been doing a lot of reflection on who I actually am. The last four years, I have not felt like my true self. Between HG, my job, questioning my faith and my other health problems, I have not shown up how I am. This was never more apparent to me when I left my last job and thinking about how in my family, I am the one that never cries or is emotional and prides herself on making logical choices but if you were to ask my co workers, they would say that was the absolute OPPOSITE way I showed up the last four years. Obviously postpartum is a time to rediscover yourself. Last time, I felt amped by going to barre and attempting to be a boss working mom. This time, I am caring less about the appearance of how I am being perceived and just focusing on how I feel about myself. I am slowing down. I am focusing on what FEELS good to me, not what looks good or what I SHOULD be doing. I am doing what I want to do. I think this feels jarring to a lot of people, but especially women, because they've been trained to always think about others. I have always done what I want (imagine raising me lol) until around 5 years ago. I am unsure why but COVID and getting diagnosed with Hashimoto's really took out my personality. Anyway, I am working back on going back to my true self without all the baloney I have told myself I need to do or say.  (Also, thank goodness for Prozac. I took it for about 4 months and it completely rewired my brain. I wish I had taken it sooner instead of 'toughing it out.' Take the dang SSRI if you need it. It's life changing). 

One final anecdote on where I am with my faith. My grandparents have LOTS of books and when I lived with them in 2016 after my mission, I read a book called Divine Signatures. It's essentially a book about how sometimes we experience something so personal that it's almost as if it's signed off by God. I have way too many of these experiences, some of which are too personal to share here, but one just recently happened. Taylor and I had gone to Trader Joe's last Saturday. We are really trying to save money at every end we can since we are buying a house and I am also trying to cut down on gluten because I can tell my body is intolerant again. Anyway, I picked up these pumpkin chocolate mousse cakes and then sat them down because I didn't wan to spend the money. My ministering teacher texted me a few hours later saying she wanted to drop something off. Turns out, it was the exact pumpkin mousse cakes! Trader Joe's isn't necessarily close to our house and out of all the stores and treats she could have brought me, it was those. Now, I have to believe that was a Divine Signature. She obviously had no idea, but it was a great reminder to be to always be wiling to serve and provide the pumpkin chocolate mousse cakes as needed.

For now, I am happy I get to be Kelsey Davis Hunt, working at a job I like, being a mom, saying no to WAY more things and focusing on BEING a good person. This might outwardly look like I am doing less, but honestly, I feel like I am doing more. Onwards and upwards.