Hi all! It has literally been FIVE YEARS since I wrote a blog post. Wowza. In those five years, a lot has happened so let me just play a quick catch up:
- Taylor and I moved to Arizona right after we got married in September 2019. We lived in Arizona until April 2021 and then moved back to Colorado! We still love each other a lot! :)
- I started working at KIPP Northeast Elementary in 2021 in restorative practices and have been the Dean of Culture the last two years. It's been a journey but I am actually moving into a district school into admin. More on that later.
- We had two babies! What? I know. Five year ago Kelsey doesn't believe this sentence. Greyson is about four months and Ava turns three in May.
- I got diagnosed with OCD and Hashimoto's as well as SEVERE allergies to grass. My life makes so much more sense and freeing since these diagnoses.
- Taylor is an associate at Felten Group where he has been the last four years.
- I finally got to go to England two years ago and it was the best. Looking forward to returning.
You may be wondering, why is Kelsey blogging again? Well, writing is therapeutic for me and I am having a "dark night of the soul moment," so I figured I would write down and process. What is a "dark night of the soul?" Essentially it's kind of a depression and confusion triggered by something that is a deep awakening of who you are and what changes you want. Two things happened that triggered this:
The first is my birth experience with Greyson. I was feeling on top of the world and prepared for his birth because giving birth to Ava was so empowering. I had never felt more amazing and strong and capable. This time, however, my epidural stopped working during transitional labor. I kept on telling them it was getting bad but no one was doing anything about it. I was zero percent prepared to give birth without an epidural and there was a point I genuinely thought I was going to die. I cry to this day thinking about how helpful my mother in law was in in that moment because I was like this:
Y'all choosing unmedicated births is impressive because I swear to you, if I ever had another kid, I would be getting a c-section. Eventually my body just started pushing and he wasn't coming out so while I was on pitocin and no epidural, I had a failed vacuum, then an episiotomy and forceps birth while they were preparing to potentially open me up there. (It was very painful) It was truly the most wild thing that has ever happened to me. I processed it during therapy and my therapist said, "Was the worst part just how out of control you felt?" And I burst into tears and said, "yes but also that I didn't advocate for myself. I just tried to tough it out and not say anything and I don't want to be like that anymore." I realized there that I would be so sad for Ava in the future if she was ever in a similar situation and thought she couldn't advocate for herself. The thought alone was devastating and I realized I didn't want to be quiet when I was in pain, physical or emotional, anymore.
The second was reading The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins. Listen, I know she for sure took an idea and plagiarized it but it doesn't mean it didn't change my life. Essentially the premise of the book is to just let people be since you can't control them and then the other half is "let me" which focuses on what you can do and empowers yourself. I loved all these quotes:
Excuse me, but what? I wasn't responsible for everything? I am an oldest child so this felt wrong lol Reading this and having my birth experience I did with Greyson pushed me into deep reflection. I recently started doing a workout program with Katrina Scott on her KSL studio app and she has some amazing meditations on there as well. I did one on my future self and the prompt at the end was, "The version of yourself in five years walks up to you, what is she saying thank you for?" And my first thought was, "she would say thank you that I prioritized my own needs and stopped being a people pleaser." No more people pleasing and instead, being authentic to who I am and not how I want people to perceive me.
And from that, a lot of things have changed. My top values of integrity and authenticity have not changed. The best compliment I have ever received in my life was from my friend Lindsey who once told me, "The best thing about you is you are the same Kelsey no matter who you are with." But I did realize that my actions and decisions sometimes did not align to my true self because I was doing them for others. I have been working on figuring out exactly what I want without any outside factors and it's been hard. So here are some things that I want written down so I can remember them when I eventually get sucked into people pleasing again. (In this case, DON'T LET ME lol)
- Taylor is my number one person on this planet. I used to hesitate when I was first dating him or engaged or even married the first years talking about how good he is for me because I didn't want to have my love for him immortalized in case "something went wrong." The idea of having everyone know how much I love him and then us getting divorced later used to be a constant thought in my head. I have talked to people who are children of divorce and find that it's a common thing. There is a sort of hesitancy to admit that your relationship is healthy and you are constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop. Any time we had a slight disagreement, the voice in my head would start screaming, "this is it! He hates you. We knew this was going to happen!" I told Taylor that when we passed 25 years of marriage that we would be having an epic vacation to celebrate! Now that I have been in therapy and have been married for over five years, I have the vulnerability to write it down and not care that a. people might think it's mushy and b. that he is the absolute best choice I have ever made. I won't write down all the ways he is perfect for me, but just know that while he isn't a perfect person, he is the perfect person for me. When I think of all the choices I have made, giving my kids Taylor as a father and letting them see our healthy relationship is the greatest choice I have ever made. I no longer have a deep fear of getting divorced. I am giving myself and my kids the best gift by being in a relationship with him and I am so grateful I get to do life with him forever. He's my boo!
- I love being a mom and it it my highest priority. I want my kids to grow up emotionally resilient and to know how to trust themselves. I don't want them depending on any outer source except for their own deep knowing of who they are. I love learning their personalities and can't wait to see more of what Greyson is like. Ava is a firecracker and I know I will never have to worry about her being a people pleaser because she is already a great advocate for herself. Being a mom is such a joy that I truly did not think I would ever want or have. It's hard obviously, but sometimes when I go to sleep, I cry thinking about how much I love them both. Typing this is making me cry. Feelings, man. Letting myself feel them is so freeing!
- I love working with kids. This is still so true. It's hard to leave my babies at daycare sometimes (especially now when it's basically my entire salary) but I truly believe that I was meant to help kids get access to what they need with their emotions and conflict resolution skills. Later on I will discuss more on this, but I have started wanting to be in less controlled environments. KIPP has been nice for my brain because it's so scripted and structured and there's a document and way to do everything. But since I have been on leave, I found myself wanting to be in a work environment where there was more trust and more freedom to be me and for kids to just be kids at times. I applied to several schools for the same position in Aurora Public Schools and just accepted a job at Elkhart Elementary as their Climate and Culture Coordinator. They are an IB school and it is going to be nice to be in a more freer thinking and learning environment along with working with peers who are licensed and have the right background to be in their position. I am very much looking forward to starting there in July! (Also, I am getting 35 days of PTO and sick time, work less hours with kids and have more breaks than with KIPP in addition to making over $30,000 more. It just proves that when you leave what is no longer serving you, you can find a way better situation than had you chosen to be stuck somewhere you no longer felt aligned with.) I also now will get a full month off for summer and won't have to go back to work after our trip that I booked to Crested Butte. It's a win-win! A very big thank you to my mother in law and mom for watching Greyson multiple times while I was interviewing for several schools! It was a communal effort!
- I enjoy resting. Maternity leave was so peaceful this time because I learned to rest. My brain and anxiety is always making me feel like I need to do more but this time, it was cold and Ava was at daycare and I just let it be. Snugging my baby and not worrying about laundry immediately or cleaning my toilet was the most freeing thing. When I had days I was sick, it was so nice just to be home and not worrying about missing work. I now listen to my body when it needs rest and prioritize it however I can. I have also super been into meditation recently and have started meditating while I take Lola out in the morning to center myself for the day. I have had a headache for three days now and decided to stay home from work to rest and guess what? My headache is gone. Taking care of my body and prioritizing rest is a huge goal of mine this year.
- Being in control is settling to me. I know this a trauma response and part of my OCD, but since I have worked actively on managing OCD, I find myself wanting to be in freer environments. I have been actively doing things with less control in them like dance parties and not freaking out if Greyson's bottles have been washed a certain way. I literally had no idea how much controlling I was doing in my life. I have stupid little rules for everything that if I don't do it, I feel unsettled. A silly example (so I don't freak you out with my intrusive thoughts!) was that I have to brush my teeth by 7 pm or I won't be able to fall asleep. This isn't true but it felt so so so true to me that it became a compulsion. To quote my therapist again, "when you surrender control, you allow infinite possibilities." I realized that I was blocking lots of possibilities by being in control of literally everything all the time. Lots of good things are coming my way by surrendering control. It's nice to think about all the happy unexpected things that will still happen in all of my life. When I blogged last time five years ago, I was making almost no money, living somewhere I hated and was feeling depressed. Now, I have a job making six figures, have two wonderful babies and get to live in Colorado! You never know what will happen and while even typing that increased my heart rate, it IS happy to think about all the joy coming my way in the future.
The final thing I want to talk about is my religion and spirituality. Since having kids, I have thought a lot about how I want to raise my babies. I have thought a lot about the good and bad of my organized religion and how it has impacted my life, like many things, both negatively and positively. My church presents itself as pretty black and white. You are either active or not. But I don't believe in a God that is like that.
I believe in the grey. I work a lot with students in my school to create individual plans that are super specific to the exact thing they need. I am talking down to "this kid needs a water break at noon every day or they will get escalated" kind of detailed. And during this maternity leave while I have been reflecting on what I want to do about church and religion, I came to a realization: I could have my own spiritual accommodations. My mission had a reunion on Sunday and they broadcast it so I could see it over zoom. As I reflected on my mission (which I sometimes still think it's wild that I actually did that), I was thinking again about how President Corbitt just sees what I like to call my 3D self. He seemed to know where I had been, who I was currently and could envision who I would become. That confidence and loved has helped me so much in my life. And he reminds me of how I view my Heavenly Parents.
I believe They are loving and not as focused on rule following. Since being diagnosed with OCD, I have learned a lot about religion and OCD and how closely linked they are. Following rules create psychological safety for me so it makes sense why I have clung to following rules or commandments that I don't necessarily agree with. While I am not leaving the church, I have decided to be true to myself and find what works for me. I know what works for ME to increase my relationship with my Heavenly Parents and I trust that it works. For example, I do not and really never have felt peace or answers while reading the scriptures. I have read the Book of Mormon probably more times than most people because I can read very quickly. (I am only 32 and I know for sure have read it more than 30 times. I read it in is entirety over 15 times on my mission) There are some good verses in there that I have tucked away, but I don't ever have overwhelming experiences reading it. However, I will CRY EVERY TIME hearing someone's spiritual experiences or stories. I believe in personal stories and used to love my subscription to the Work and Wonder little books they released four times a year with personal submissions. (They no longer do that which is devastating tbh) So while I do understand that reading scriptures is a great experience for others, it is not a huge priority to me. I don't panic if I don't read my scriptures. My priority is accessing spirituality that feels good to me and enhances my peace.
Another way that I feel the most close to the spirit is when I serve others. I never feel more at peace than helping someone who needs it. I pride myself on noticing and helping others who are struggling and trying to help them however I can and that is how I best feel connected to my spirituality. My favorite talk of all time is the one by Uchtdorf where he talks about how we are Christ's hands. That is my gospel. I believe in a God that wants everyone to succeed and not necessarily follow a checklist to be a good person. He just wants us to BE a good person and look outside of ourselves to do so. I don't think I will make it to the next life and be asked a bunch of questions of what I did like "Did you read your scriptures every day?" or "How many hours did you spend in church?" Instead, I believe I will be asked, "How well did you love others?" and "How well did you serve others?" I want to be able to answer that knowing I did the best I could. In short, I believe in spiritual accommodations that allows an individual (because we were all created to be different in case you forgot) to access their peace and feel the spirit in their own way. While I won't dive into my whole personal spiritual plan, I hope reading this does help you realize what works for you and what doesn't. Not to say that you should completely ignore everything that doesn't work for you, but rather, to feel less guilty about prioritizing something that does. And in fact, feeling empowered to prioritize what is best for your spiritual well-being.
Well, if you made it here, thank you. Some of you have known me my entire life and it might be jarring to see some shifts. I hope you can see the power of what I am doing, but if not, I will let you! Love you all!
No comments:
Post a Comment