“Don't let the expectations and opinions of other people affect your decisions. It's your life, not theirs. Do what matters most to you; do what makes you feel alive and happy. Don't let the expectations and ideas of others limit who you are. If you let others tell you who you are, you are living their reality — not yours. There is more to life than pleasing people. There is much more to life than following others' prescribed path. There is so much more to life than what you experience right now. You need to decide who you are for yourself. Become a whole being. Adventure.” ― Roy T. Bennett

 Wow. This quote took my breath away when I first read it. I have been on a journey lately and needed time to process a lot of things.

I have been reflecting recently on how I have done a lot of things for other people. The list is too long to write down here but a GOOD chunk of my life has been based on what I was expected to do. I talked in therapy back in April that I felt completely lost now that I was done having kids. Growing up my in faith, there were several steps and the "last" was having kids. I did all of it. I went to BYU, served a mission, got a master's degree, got married in the temple and had my two kids. And I have felt so weird since I realized I am done having kids. I know what you're thinking: You have a great life and good experiences and now a good job. That's all true! But I cannot help feeling a lot of grief recently and a little lost. It may seem silly but I have felt grief about all of the following recently: 

• Having two HG pregnancies. I don't even know how to explain this in written form. It was the most challenging part of my life except my mission. I wanted to have kids and still feel guilt about the 24 hours during my second pregnancy where I begged God to let me have a miscarriage so I didn't have to deal with the pain anymore. For someone who grew up in an extremely conservative family and religion, I cannot begin to explain the pain I felt when I had this thought.
• Staying in a church that actively hurts a lot of people I care about because I care about people's opinions of me. At the end of the day, I really only care about my opinion of myself. 
• Working at a job where I got physically harmed and cried all the time because I wanted to prove I could be a working mom.
• So many people at my prior job and others not knowing my true self. I was known as the crying girl for a myriad of reasons and I cannot stop perseverating on it because I haven't cried at once at work this year so far.
• Not having the money or time to get a PhD right now despite really really wanting to do it. Dr. Davis has a great ring to it. 
• Not being able to trust my own intuition anymore because I outsourced it to other people. It feels jarring to realize that sometimes I need to trust myself. I cannot tell you how many times I wish I had spoken up in the moment but did not because I wanted people to like me.

I am at the point in my life where I do not care about appearances. (and I am not talking about physical appearances, but yes, that too!) I care about how something feels or actually is. I do not want things in my life that have the appearance of looking good. I want the things and people in my life to BE good. I was thinking about the various circumstances and places I have been in over the course of my life that presented themselves as good to the outside world but really were not. All these thoughts were triggered because at work, I made a very nice attendance meeting template. I was proud and was like yes, it looks great and I am killing it. My principal told me "Kelsey, this LOOKS great but I care more that is FUNCTIONS great." In that moment, something clicked. I was doing pretty much everything in my life to look good. This probably stemmed from both growing up in my religion AND 'hiding' the problems in my family publicly. I have learned a lot about therapy and familial roles and my role in the family was to be perfect so that no one would see the dysfunction. If I was excelling, there was NO way something was going wrong, right? I am finding a lot of compassion for myself and realizing why I worked in the jobs I have for so long. I like things that looked good. I like things that are organized and everything has a clear answer. I was getting really upset with myself a few months ago for staying too long in my prior job despite knowing it wasn't a good fit for me. But thinking about this now, it makes me realize I was just doing the best I could to not drown. I was in my 'comfort' zone so to speak. There was high control and rules, just like BYU and my mission and that felt safe. I wish I could go back in time a few years ago and tell my younger self, it's okay to work in a more chaotic environment. It's okay to quit things right when you want to do so. It's okay that you like being a big fish in a little pond. Own it girl! I am finding a LOT of self compassion. When I graduated my master's program, I used to tell everyone I wanted to be Secretary of State (fun fact: When I call my mom, it still pops up as Madam Secretary) Though I would no longer want that job thanks to the dumpster fire that is America right now, I have realized I still like being a big fish in a little pond. I like to be the shining star still. I wish that it wasn't a part of my personality, especially when I am trying to care less about what people think but also, it's a part of who I am. I scheme and dream big. Always have, and probably always will. Reflecting on all this, I have been thinking about what my future looks like. After a lot of reflection,  my goal for now is this: do good things for the benefit of others in a way that I want to do them.

Moving forward, I want to do things that feel authentically feel good. I want to do good things that no one knows about just to help others. I don't want to do something because I feel obligated. I have been thinking a lot about who I believe God is and who God is not. Since I am working on positive framing in a world focused on rage, here's my list of who I believe God is:

• Is the one who loves and cares for every human being regardless of who they are
• Weeps and mourns with those that are suffering regardless if they're American... (yikes to this country right now y'all)
• Cares that use our talents and money for good
• To clarify, I never feel the presence God more when I am helping a student at work or helping a co worker or donating to a random GoFund me. I don't think God cares about the checklist of things that I have been taught. I don't think he cares about me paying 10% of my money as much as he cares that I sacrifice for people with my time, talents or money. He cares that I AM a good person not that I look like I am publicly. 
• Understands our limitations, traumas and how we are walking through life. When I think of God, I think of the ultimate compassion. I think my faith severely limits God into a box of being compassionate until XYZ.  I don't believe God is like that. I believe he is all loving and compassionate ALWAYS.

That being said, I have felt God in a more authentic way recently when I removed the checklist. It's so easy to be like "okay, I have attended the temple X amount of times and I paid my tithing and I have gone to church every week." That's simple and elementary faith in my opinion. I have excelled at the checklist because I love a good checklist. (who doesn't love a good list??!) But now, I am trying to increase my faith into a more complex thing where the checklist doesn't matter but my actions do. What am I doing in private to love and serve others? How am I treating my family? How can I be an answer to someone's prayer? How am I getting the results I need at work? How am I advocating for my direct reports and the students I work with? What is the behind the scenes help I am offering others that doesn't get publicly lauded? 

I have been doing a lot of reflection on who I actually am. The last four years, I have not felt like my true self. Between HG, my job, questioning my faith and my other health problems, I have not shown up how I am. This was never more apparent to me when I left my last job and thinking about how in my family, I am the one that never cries or is emotional and prides herself on making logical choices but if you were to ask my co workers, they would say that was the absolute OPPOSITE way I showed up the last four years. Obviously postpartum is a time to rediscover yourself. Last time, I felt amped by going to barre and attempting to be a boss working mom. This time, I am caring less about the appearance of how I am being perceived and just focusing on how I feel about myself. I am slowing down. I am focusing on what FEELS good to me, not what looks good or what I SHOULD be doing. I am doing what I want to do. I think this feels jarring to a lot of people, but especially women, because they've been trained to always think about others. I have always done what I want (imagine raising me lol) until around 5 years ago. I am unsure why but COVID and getting diagnosed with Hashimoto's really took out my personality. Anyway, I am working back on going back to my true self without all the baloney I have told myself I need to do or say.  (Also, thank goodness for Prozac. I took it for about 4 months and it completely rewired my brain. I wish I had taken it sooner instead of 'toughing it out.' Take the dang SSRI if you need it. It's life changing). 

One final anecdote on where I am with my faith. My grandparents have LOTS of books and when I lived with them in 2016 after my mission, I read a book called Divine Signatures. It's essentially a book about how sometimes we experience something so personal that it's almost as if it's signed off by God. I have way too many of these experiences, some of which are too personal to share here, but one just recently happened. Taylor and I had gone to Trader Joe's last Saturday. We are really trying to save money at every end we can since we are buying a house and I am also trying to cut down on gluten because I can tell my body is intolerant again. Anyway, I picked up these pumpkin chocolate mousse cakes and then sat them down because I didn't wan to spend the money. My ministering teacher texted me a few hours later saying she wanted to drop something off. Turns out, it was the exact pumpkin mousse cakes! Trader Joe's isn't necessarily close to our house and out of all the stores and treats she could have brought me, it was those. Now, I have to believe that was a Divine Signature. She obviously had no idea, but it was a great reminder to be to always be wiling to serve and provide the pumpkin chocolate mousse cakes as needed.

For now, I am happy I get to be Kelsey Davis Hunt, working at a job I like, being a mom, saying no to WAY more things and focusing on BEING a good person. This might outwardly look like I am doing less, but honestly, I feel like I am doing more. Onwards and upwards. 

"Authenticity is more than speaking; authenticity is also about doing. Every decision we make says something about who we are."-Simon Sinek

 Hi all! It has literally been FIVE YEARS since I wrote a blog post. Wowza. In those five years, a lot has happened so let me just play a quick catch up:

• Taylor and I moved to Arizona right after we got married in September 2019. We lived in Arizona until April 2021 and then moved back to Colorado! We still love each other a lot! :) 
• I started working at KIPP Northeast Elementary in 2021 in restorative practices and have been the Dean of Culture the last two years. It's been a journey but I am actually moving into a district school into admin. More on that later. 
• We had two babies! What? I know. Five year ago Kelsey doesn't believe this sentence. Greyson is about four months and Ava turns three in May.
• I got diagnosed with OCD and Hashimoto's as well as SEVERE allergies to grass. My life makes so much more sense and freeing since these diagnoses. 
• Taylor is an associate at Felten Group where he has been the last four years.
• I finally got to go to England two years ago and it was the best. Looking forward to returning.

You may be wondering, why is Kelsey blogging again? Well, writing is therapeutic for me and I am having a "dark night of the soul moment," so I figured I would write down and process. What is a "dark night of the soul?" Essentially it's kind of a depression and confusion triggered by something that is a deep awakening of who you are and what changes you want. Two things happened that triggered this:

The first is my birth experience with Greyson. I was feeling on top of the world and prepared for his birth because giving birth to Ava was so empowering. I had never felt more amazing and strong and capable. This time, however, my epidural stopped working during transitional labor. I kept on telling them it was getting bad but no one was doing anything about it. I was zero percent prepared to give birth without an epidural and there was a point I genuinely thought I was going to die. I cry to this day thinking about how helpful my mother in law was in in that moment because I was like this:

(100 points to those that get this Grey's reference. Humor helps me process but moving on...)

Y'all choosing unmedicated births is impressive because I swear to you, if I ever had another kid, I would be getting a c-section. Eventually my body just started pushing and he wasn't coming out so while I was on pitocin and no epidural, I had a failed vacuum, then an episiotomy and forceps birth while they were preparing to potentially open me up there. (It was very painful) It was truly the most wild thing that has ever happened to me. I processed it during therapy and my therapist said, "Was the worst part just how out of control you felt?" And I burst into tears and said, "yes but also that I didn't advocate for myself. I just tried to tough it out and not say anything and I don't want to be like that anymore." I realized there that I would be so sad for Ava in the future if she was ever in a similar situation and thought she couldn't advocate for herself. The thought alone was devastating and I realized I didn't want to be quiet when I was in pain, physical or emotional, anymore. 

The second was reading The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins. Listen, I know she for sure took an idea and plagiarized it but it doesn't mean it didn't change my life. Essentially the premise of the book is to just let people be since you can't control them and then the other half is "let me" which focuses on what you can do and empowers yourself. I loved all these quotes: 

Excuse me, but what? I wasn't responsible for everything? I am an oldest child so this felt wrong lol Reading this and having my birth experience I did with Greyson pushed me into deep reflection. I recently started doing a workout program with Katrina Scott on her KSL studio app and she has some amazing meditations on there as well. I did one on my future self and the prompt at the end was, "The version of yourself in five years walks up to you, what is she saying thank you for?" And my first thought was, "she would say thank you that I prioritized my own needs and stopped being a people pleaser." No more people pleasing and instead, being authentic to who I am and not how I want people to perceive me. 

And from that, a lot of things have changed. My top values of integrity and authenticity have not changed. The best compliment I have ever received in my life was from my friend Lindsey who once told me, "The best thing about you is you are the same Kelsey no matter who you are with."  But I did realize that my actions and decisions sometimes did not align to my true self because I was doing them for others. I have been working on figuring out exactly what I want without any outside factors and it's been hard. So here are some things that I want written down so I can remember them when I eventually get sucked into people pleasing again. (In this case, DON'T LET ME lol)

• Taylor is my number one person on this planet. I used to hesitate when I was first dating him or engaged or even married the first years talking about how good he is for me because I didn't want to have my love for him immortalized in case "something went wrong." The idea of having everyone know how much I love him and then us getting divorced later used to be a constant thought in my head. I have talked to people who are children of divorce and find that it's a common thing. There is a sort of hesitancy to admit that your relationship is healthy and you are constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop. Any time we had a slight disagreement, the voice in my head would start screaming, "this is it! He hates you. We knew this was going to happen!" I told Taylor that when we passed 25 years of marriage that we would be having an epic vacation to celebrate! Now that I have been in therapy and have been married for over five years, I have the vulnerability to write it down and not care that a. people might think it's mushy and b. that he is the absolute best choice I have ever made. I won't write down all the ways he is perfect for me, but just know that while he isn't a perfect person, he is the perfect person for me. When I think of all the choices I have made, giving my kids Taylor as a father and letting them see our healthy relationship is the greatest choice I have ever made. I no longer have a deep fear of getting divorced. I am giving myself and my kids the best gift by being in a relationship with him and I am so grateful I get to do life with him forever. He's my boo!

• I love being a mom and it it my highest priority. I want my kids to grow up emotionally resilient and to know how to trust themselves. I don't want them depending on any outer source except for their own deep knowing of who they are. I love learning their personalities and can't wait to see more of what Greyson is like. Ava is a firecracker and I know I will never have to worry about her being a people pleaser because she is already a great advocate for herself. Being a mom is such a joy that I truly did not think I would ever want or have. It's hard obviously, but sometimes when I go to sleep, I cry thinking about how much I love them both. Typing this is making me cry. Feelings, man. Letting myself feel them is so freeing!

• I love working with kids. This is still so true. It's hard to leave my babies at daycare sometimes (especially now when it's basically my entire salary) but I truly believe that I was meant to help kids get access to what they need with their emotions and conflict resolution skills. Later on I will discuss more on this, but I have started wanting to be in less controlled environments. KIPP has been nice for my brain because it's so scripted and structured and there's a document and way to do everything. But since I have been on leave, I found myself wanting to be in a work environment where there was more trust and more freedom to be me and for kids to just be kids at times. I applied to several schools for the same position in Aurora Public Schools and just accepted a job at Elkhart Elementary as their Climate and Culture Coordinator. They are an IB school and it is going to be nice to be in a more freer thinking and learning environment along with working with peers who are licensed and have the right background to be in their position. I am very much looking forward to starting there in July! (Also, I am getting 35 days of PTO and sick time, work less hours with kids and have more breaks than with KIPP in addition to making over $30,000 more. It just proves that when you leave what is no longer serving you, you can find a way better situation than had you chosen to be stuck somewhere you no longer felt aligned with.) I also now will get a full month off for summer and won't have to go back to work after our trip that I booked to Crested Butte. It's a win-win! A very big thank you to my mother in law and mom for watching Greyson multiple times while I was interviewing for several schools! It was a communal effort!

• I enjoy resting. Maternity leave was so peaceful this time because I learned to rest. My brain and anxiety is always making me feel like I need to do more but this time, it was cold and Ava was at daycare and I just let it be. Snugging my baby and not worrying about laundry immediately or cleaning my toilet was the most freeing thing. When I had days I was sick, it was so nice just to be home and not worrying about missing work. I now listen to my body when it needs rest and prioritize it however I can. I have also super been into meditation recently and have started meditating while I take Lola out in the morning to center myself for the day. I have had a headache for three days now and decided to stay home from work to rest and guess what? My headache is gone. Taking care of my body and prioritizing rest is a huge goal of mine this year. 

• Being in control is settling to me. I know this a trauma response and part of my OCD, but since I have worked actively on managing OCD, I find myself wanting to be in freer environments. I have been actively doing things with less control in them like dance parties and not freaking out if Greyson's bottles have been washed a certain way. I literally had no idea how much controlling I was doing in my life. I have stupid little rules for everything that if I don't do it, I feel unsettled. A silly example (so I don't freak you out with my intrusive thoughts!) was that I have to brush my teeth by 7 pm or I won't be able to fall asleep. This isn't true but it felt so so so true to me that it became a compulsion. To quote my therapist again, "when you surrender control, you allow infinite possibilities." I realized that I was blocking lots of possibilities by being in control of literally everything all the time. Lots of good things are coming my way by surrendering control. It's nice to think about all the happy unexpected things that will still happen in all of my life. When I blogged last time five years ago, I was making almost no money, living somewhere I hated and was feeling depressed. Now, I have a job making six figures, have two wonderful babies and get to live in Colorado! You never know what will happen and while even typing that increased my heart rate, it IS happy to think about all the joy coming my way in the future. 

The final thing I want to talk about is my religion and spirituality. Since having kids, I have thought a lot about how I want to raise my babies. I have thought a lot about the good and bad of my organized religion and how it has impacted my life, like many things, both negatively and positively. My church presents itself as pretty black and white. You are either active or not. But I don't believe in a God that is like that.

 I believe in the grey. I work a lot with students in my school to create individual plans that are super specific to the exact thing they need. I am talking down to "this kid needs a water break at noon every day or they will get escalated" kind of detailed. And during this maternity leave while I have been reflecting on what I want to do about church and religion, I came to a realization: I could have my own spiritual accommodations. My mission had a reunion on Sunday and they broadcast it so I could see it over zoom. As I reflected on my mission (which I sometimes still think it's wild that I actually did that), I was thinking again about how President Corbitt just sees what I like to call my 3D self. He seemed to know where I had been, who I was currently and could envision who I would become. That confidence and loved has helped me so much in my life. And he reminds me of how I view my Heavenly Parents. 

I believe They are loving and not as focused on rule following. Since being diagnosed with OCD, I have learned a lot about religion and OCD and how closely linked they are. Following rules create psychological safety for me so it makes sense why I have clung to following rules or commandments that I don't necessarily agree with. While I am not leaving the church, I have decided to be true to myself and find what works for me. I know what works for ME to increase my relationship with my Heavenly Parents and I trust that it works. For example, I do not and really never have felt peace or answers while reading the scriptures. I have read the Book of Mormon probably more times than most people because I can read very quickly. (I am only 32 and I know for sure have read it more than 30 times. I read it in is entirety over 15 times on my mission) There are some good verses in there that I have tucked away, but I don't ever have overwhelming experiences reading it. However, I will CRY EVERY TIME hearing someone's spiritual experiences or stories. I believe in personal stories and used to love my subscription to the Work and Wonder little books they released four times a year with personal submissions. (They no longer do that which is devastating tbh) So while I do understand that reading scriptures is a great experience for others, it is not a huge priority to me. I don't panic if I don't read my scriptures. My priority is accessing spirituality that feels good to me and enhances my peace.

 Another way that I feel the most close to the spirit is when I serve others. I never feel more at peace than helping someone who needs it. I pride myself on noticing and helping others who are struggling and trying to help them however I can and that is how I best feel connected to my spirituality. My favorite talk of all time is the one by Uchtdorf where he talks about how we are Christ's hands. That is my gospel. I believe in a God that wants everyone to succeed and not necessarily follow a checklist to be a good person. He just wants us to BE a good person and look outside of ourselves to do so. I don't think I will make it to the next life and be asked a bunch of questions of what I did like "Did you read your scriptures every day?" or "How many hours did you spend in church?" Instead, I believe I will be asked, "How well did you love others?" and "How well did you serve others?" I want to be able to answer that knowing I did the best I could. In short, I believe in spiritual accommodations that allows an individual (because we were all created to be different in case you forgot) to access their peace and feel the spirit in their own way. While I won't dive into my whole personal spiritual plan, I hope reading this does help you realize what works for you and what doesn't. Not to say that you should completely ignore everything that doesn't work for you, but rather, to feel less guilty about prioritizing something that does. And in fact, feeling empowered to prioritize what is best for your spiritual well-being.

Well, if you made it here, thank you. Some of you have known me my entire life and it might be jarring to see some shifts. I hope you can see the power of what I am doing, but if not, I will let you! Love you all!